George shot first

Start your watches, the countdown has begun. There's less than a week to go until George Lucas’ magnum opus finally makes its long-awaited high-def debut. No doubt somewhere in the world, a group of young men who think that personal hygiene is optional rather than mandatory, are lining up in their sleeping bags outside a Best Buy, so they can get their callused hands on the first box sets. 

Lots of movies have, over the years, attained some kind of cult status. But whereas most are happy to define ‘cult’ as ‘building up a dedicated following over the years after an inauspicious first run’, Star Wars takes the concept to extremes. That unnamed galaxy far, far away has inspired the kind of feverish dedication that would make the Branch Davidians appear lax and non-committal.

Lucas may have conceived his series of space operas as being, y’know, for kids, but some people have taken their love of lightsabers, little green men(tors) and complex familial wrangling to the next level. I’m talking about the ones who list Jedi as their official religion on census forms, or respond to flirtatious talk about their six-inch purple-headed warrior by whipping out their Boba Fett action figure. They're the fanboys who took to the web en masse in 1997 to decry the CGI-enhanced rerelease of the original trilogy with the claim “George Lucas raped my childhood.” Meanwhile, all over the world, creepy uncles gave a collective sigh of relief that a new suspect had entered the frame. 

With the entire six-part series now buffed and polished like Simon Cowell’s veneers, expectations are high that new generations will finally get to discover Star Wars in all its sparkly glory – the way it was meant to be seen. Except not exactly, since ol’ Silver Beard still can’t resist dipping back in to make a few more cosmetic changes. It’s like trying to eat in a restaurant, with the chef hovering over your shoulder and continually throwing random herbs onto your plate.
You’d think that, if Lucas really wanted to improve things, the special effects would be the least of his worries. He might want to go back and beef up some of the shocking dialogue – as Harrison Ford famously told the plaid-shirted auteur on the set of the original film: "You can type this shit, George, but you sure can't say it.". Or why not add in a few extra female characters, so that the revelation of Luke and Leia’s family connection comes as less of a surprise? The only other woman of note in Return of the Jedi was Admiral Ackbar’s assistant, and she was Aunt Beru’s age if she was a day.

But no, like a magpie entranced by a scrunched up piece of chewing gum foil, Lucas is transfixed by the possibilities of computer generated enhancement. Thirty four years on, Star Wars has been under the knife more often than Jocelyn Wildenstein. And it’s starting to look just as dog-eared (or cat-faced - take your pick).

First time around, George expanded Mos Eisley and Cloud City, threw in an early cameo for Jabba the Hutt, and over-egged the vagina dentata subtext of the Sarlacc pit. Then, when the series hit DVD, he had another go and replaced Sebastian Shaw’s ghost with Hayden Christensen – rendering the luckless young actor even more two dimensional than usual. For the latest release, we get blinking ewoks (rather than ‘fucking ewoks’ as most people refer to them) and a new CGI Yoda, to replace the second-rate puppet that nodded its rubber head in The Phantom Menace.

Of course, I can grumble about these cosmetic enhancements until I’m blue and tentacled in the face. But ultimately, this is George's baby and if he wants to pierce its ears, who are we to judge? Music artists do this all the time, remixing and remastering their back catalogues, ever conscious of the fact that, as Leonardo da Vinci once said, “Art is never finished, only abandoned.” If you insist on keeping your childhood memories intact, hold onto those knackered old VHS tapes and enjoy them the way they looked when you first discovered them. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and hand over your hard-earned.

That would be fine if weren't for the fact that it's not such a long, long time ago that George was a vocal critic of those who insist on updating classic films. Speaking before Congress in 1988, George had some tough words for “People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power.” A number of sites have picked up on the irony of Lucas’ outspoken condemnation of revisionist film restoration, particularly the bit where he warned “Attention should be paid to the interest of those who are yet unborn, who should be able to see this generation as it saw itself, and the past generation as it saw itself.”

Maybe George is a big hypocrite. Maybe he needs the cash. Either way, it’s his film series so he can do what he wants with it. Like filming techniques and special effects technology, opinions change over time. Which leaves us with a simple choice – to buy or not to buy. That is the question.

The sincerest form of flattery

For over 30 years, pop culture commentators have struggled to explain the appeal of Star Wars. In spite of its stiff acting, hokey mythology and occasionally painful dialogue, the films have managed to exert a curious hold over several generations.

Although the franchise has always pushed the envelope in terms of innovative special effects technology, its popularity can be accredited to the heritage that came before it, as much as the legacy it left behind. Like Quentin Tarantino, George Lucas is a proud magpie, happily plundering the archives for inspiration. Pick it apart and you'll find bits of everything from Greek mythology to Flash Gordon.

So it's appropriate that Star Wars has continued the tradition and inspired countless imitators itself. Anyone with a bucket and a broom handle has recorded footage of themselves announcing "I...am...your...father."

It's precisely that kind of thinking that led to the creation of 'Star Wars Uncut' - an amazing 'interactive arts project' created by, and for, die-hard Star Wars fans. The whole movie was broken down into 15 second segments and posted on Vimeo.

Fans could then select which micro-chapter they wanted to remake. This whole 'crowdsourcing' approach meant that no-one had to reproduce more than 15 seconds of content. And there were no restrictions to how the footage could be recreated.

Stop-motion animation, carefully-placed fruit, humiliated pets in embarrassing outfits and crudely crafted props all made an appearance in the content that was uploaded. Once every clip had been reproduced and uploaded, the finished film was stitched together and hosted on the project's website.

The final triumph for Casey Pugh, the project's visionary creator, came this week as the film won an Emmy award for 'Creative Achievement In Interactive Media - Fiction'. OK, so the category's a bit of a mouthful, but this is still a momentous accomplishment. Just as exciting for Pugh is the fact that George Lucas is rumoured to be a fan.

But that's because he understands how stories used to be told. The legends and myths he incorporated into his sci-fi series were passed orally from generation to generation. The details changed differently with each retelling, but the core elements remained unchanged, despite the passage of hundreds of years.

You can dress up 'Star Wars Uncut' as an opportunity to "explore the dynamics of community creation on the web", but its really just a new-fangled way of retelling an age-old story. So we're back where we started. As Darth Vader would say, "The circle is now complete."

It's a man's world, even in space

According to sci-fi legend, Carrie Fisher spent much of 1976 having to tape down her boobs because, according to George Lucas, there are no breasts in space. Of course, the bearded Jedi master reappraised this opinion when he put Carrie's Jawas on display in that legendary gold bikini and chained her to Kirstie Alley's bed.

Whilst most science fiction fans heralded this as a breakthrough (in most cases shouting their approval from under the bathroom door) the bikini incident may well have signified the beginning of the end. Because it seems that a schism has occurred in the genre, with a vocal minority expressing outrage at the feminisation of a 'very male form of fiction'. 


It's hardly surprising that some die hard fanatics are fearful of women in science fiction, given that they presumably view the fairer sex like a guest alien species on Star Trek. One such outspoken critic has shared his disdain on a blog called The Spearhead which, as its phallic name implies, attempts to air the 'legitimate grievances' of the disenfrachised American male.

In an article entitled The War on Science Fiction and Marvin Minsky, the unhappy camper argues that women have ruined his favourite genre with their stupid emotions and relationships. Pursuing a line of logic so flawed that the writers of Lost would have trouble selling it, he argues that the fields of science, engineering and technology will lose out as fewer boys will be inspired to follow in their heroes' footsteps. 


Adding to our correspondent's dissatisfaction is the news that the Sci-Fi channel (inexplicably rebranded last March as Syfy) plans to introduce three gay characters to its roster of shows. As the furious basement dweller argues, "This will mean less programming where men actually get things done and more relationship drama, which will inevitably drive even more men away from the channel." If he's worried that these male characters 'won't get anything done', he's obviously never watched Queer as Folk.


The saddest part of this whole diatribe is that this real world 'Comic Book Guy' has missed the point of science fiction. From HG Wells' War of the Worlds, which used alien invasion as a metaphor for colonial expansion, through to this year's District 9, which put an extraterrestrial spin on the evils of apartheid, science fiction has always plenty of scope for allegorical storytelling.

Science fiction has never really been about science. Its stories may feature time travel, alien invasions and interplanetary war, but they always have the human condition at their heart. These stories can't be feminised or 'gayed up' - since those elements are an integral part of the human story. 

Given his dissatisfaction with his own vision of the future, perhaps Pro-male/Anti-feminist Tech needs to choose an alternative entertainment source, ideally one which will suit his reactionary agenda. I'd recommend the 1920s adventures of 'Our Gang', which featured the He Man Woman Haters Club - a group of eight year-olds who didn't want any girls joining their precious clubhouse. They were always on the lookout for new members.