Yesterday once more

As Sandy Denny once sang, "Who knows where the time goes?" Maybe she also spent the Christmas holidays in a drunken fog, just outside of Sheffield. Either way, that's the reason that p0pvulture has been quieter than the output of Cheryl Cole's microphone for the last few days. But now we're up and running again, and counting down to the New Year.

So with that in mind, I thought it might be a good idea to review 2010 and take stock of the weird and wonderful things that the world of popular culture has thrown our way over the last 12 months. I've done my best to document it all, so now let's take a look back and see what went on. Well, if it's good enough for Clive James...

Hollywood was abuzz about two movies as 2010 kicked off. Avatar was packing them in, with its promise of eye-watering visuals and eye-straining 3D effects. Further exploring the technology's ability to damage eye-sight, the porn industry decided to take a leaf out of James Cameron's book, by applying an extra dimension to its own Pandora's box of tricks.

Cinemagoers always had the option of checking in with everyone's favourite detective instead, as Guy Ritchie shared his vision of the unique relationship between Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson. Unfortunately, many people found their mano-a-mano relationship to be a little too heavy on the mano, making it feel like a two-hour game of soggy biscuit.

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail was busy getting its bully on, taking potshots at the underdressed, the overdressed, and the wombling free. And it wasn't just the women who found themselves squirming under the spotlight, Cristiano Ronaldo's ad campaign for Armani underwear showed off his distinctive tackle.

Jennifer Love Hewitt spoke proudly about her confidence in using a glue-gun on her unmentionables, whereas Heidi Montage revealed the results of her extreme makeover, which were just, well, unmentionable. Lady Gaga inspired a whole bunch of video tributes, Taylor Momsen showed off a personality as dark and messy as the shit around her eyes, and Bear Grylls rinsed his out with a makeshift enema.

GMTV was also focused on cleaning house, as it turned the world's cosiest sofa into an ejector seat. As viewers placed bets on which presenters would face the axe, the show's hosts attempted to smile through their upset, much like Boyzone, who reformed for the world's most morbid pop video.

Rather predictably, February followed January like Kerry follows Jordan. And so we plunged head-first into the eighth and final season of 24, to see Jack Bauer working through more rubber hose than an out-of-town B&Q. Sadly, Jack's love of torture seemed to catch on, as a military man was found to have waterboarded his step-daughter in order to 'encourage' her to try harder in school. As an aside, she may also have confessed to an attempted plane hijacking in 2007.

Jack wasn't New York's only problem this year, as the race for the Governor's office saw a notorious Manhattan madam starting up her own campaign. In fact, February seemed to be all about the change of pace, as Dennis the Menace finally went soft, and the Pope turned wannabe DJ, with his recommendations for the best rock albums of all time. Even Desert Island Discs decided to change things up, by taking a more populist approach in selecting its guests. Listeners complained that this was the radio equivalent of mutton dressed as Spam.

But the most shocking image overhaul of the year took place on the golf course, as one of the world's most celebrated sportsmen showed an entirely different side to his personality. It turns out that countless women had enjoyed a Tiger in their tank, and as a result none of his former sponsors wanted to see Woods for the sleaze.

Ashley Cole didn't fare much better here in the UK, as he broke the heart of the Nation's Sweetheart by cheating on her with a bunch of BOGOF slappers. We all knew that he'd done it, because he didn't have the brains to cover his tracks. It probably didn't help matters that he'd sent a bunch of incriminating pictures and texts either.  If only he'd watched the highly publicised live episode of EastEnders, which finally revealed that Stacey was Archie's murderer - a secret that the show's producers had managed to keep for months.

Another long-suppressed secret from within the corporation's vaults finally saw the light of day, as it was revealed that the makers of Doctor Who occasionally used political subtexts in their storytelling. The Daily Mail was delighted that it had finally found the smoking gun sonic screwdriver it needed to prove the BBC's long-standing left-wing bias. Unfortunately, the rest of the world had simply rolled its eyes and moved onto the Sarah Jane Adventures.

But perhaps the most momentous event in February, was the first birthday of this blog. Although it sometimes feels like an albatross made of binary code and hyperlinks, it's actually grown into something I'm quite proud of. It's an outlet for my frustrations, and a forum for discussing the things that capture my imagination. And I'm thankful that I have a handful of committed readers who bother to check in every day. Tomorrow, March and April fall under the microscope.

Copycat criminals

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. That may be the case, but low budget movie studio 'The Asylum' seems to be taking it to 'Single White Female' levels of imposter-y preposterousness.

For the last ten years, they've been taking advantage of those bewitched, bothered and bewildered souls who aimlessly wander the aisles of Blockbuster with all the critical faculties of Paul Ross on an all-expenses-paid studio jolly.

Pretty much every successful movie of the last few years has found itself inadvertently spawning a mutated twin, courtesy of those industrious inmates of The Asylum. The main difference, of course, being the budgets involved. One of Asylum's biggest hits was the awesome 'Transmorphers', which looks as though it was shot for less than the cost of Megan Fox's cut-offs in Michael Bay's significantly spendier 'Transformers'.

Rather cannily, these 'mockbusters' seem to make much of their money on the opening weekend of whatever movie they're ripping off. If they can get the artwork close enough to the original, the dilated pupils of the drunk and stoned DVD renters won't be able to tell the difference.

Sadly, the illusion doesn't hold up once 'play' has been pressed. Since the films are rushed into production in order to beat their bigger budget counterparts to market, the stories have to be cobbled together based on what the producers can pick up on the industry grapevine.

It's not all bad news though - every once in a while a big movie gets made that's based on readily available material, meaning the Asylum team can go back to the source and actually have a stab at a coherent narrative.

At least, that's how it's supposed to work in theory. But having watched the trailer for the studio's new take on Sherlock Holmes, I'm wondering just how familiar the writers are with the adventures of Baker Street's debonair detective.

Now, I'm not fully au fait with the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, but I don't recall ever seeing Jeremy Brett battling a T-Rex in the houses of Parliament, or Basil Rathbone defending London Bridge from being attacked by a giant squid. And I'm pretty sure there were no flying mechanical dragons in 'The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet'.

When Guy Ritchie's version of the classic adventures hit screens last Christmas, the estate of Conan Doyle got all worked up about the relationship between Holmes and Watson. They were concerned that Sherlock might take to smoking a pipe of the fleshy variety.

So what they'll make of their precious character being rewritten as a mash-up of Turok and Captain Nemo remains to be seen...

Sherlock Homo?

As Avatar passed the $1 billion mark in just seventeen days, it's easy to forget that there's another blockbuster doing brisk trade in your local multiplex (two if you count Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel). The ex-Mr. Madonna's Sherlock Holmes managed the biggest Christmas Day opening of all time, and has been packing them in ever since.

But despite the film's huge success at the box office, there are concerns that there may not be a sequel, thanks to the suggestion that Holmes and Watson knew a thing or two about 'packing them in'. Whilst on the publicity circuit for the Victorian-era action thriller, Robert Downey Jr and his co-star Jude Law frustrated studio executives by playing up their own burgeoning bromance, so much so that there were concerns that it might put off some more traditional movie-goers.

It didn't help matters when RDJ appeared on 'The Late Show With David Letterman' and suggested that the characters were engaged in 'the-love-that-dare-not-speak-its name-so-leaves-obvious-clues-instead'. The exchange went as follows:

Letterman: “Now, from what I recall, there was always the suggestion that there was a different level of relationship between Sherlock and Dr. Watson.”
Downey: “You mean that they were homos…”
Letterman: “In a manner of speaking, yes…that they were closer than just out solving crimes. It’s sort of touched on in the film, but he has a fiancée, so we’re not certain. Is that right?”
Downey: “She could be a beard. Who knows?”
Paul Shaffer: “What are they, complete screamers? Is that what you’re saying?”
Downey: “Why don’t we observe the clip and let the audience decide if he just happens to be a very butch homosexual. Which there are many. And I’m proud to know certain of them.”

All very chuckle-worthy, I'm sure you'll agree. But Andrea Plunket isn't laughing - she owns the US copyright to the characters and has said that she will not allow any follow-up films to be made if Holmes takes Watson up the Bakerloo.

She said “I hope this is just an example of Mr. Downey's black sense of humour. It would be drastic, but I would withdraw permission for more films to be made if they feel that is a theme they wish to bring out in the future."

There's no doubt that Robert was joking with Letterman about Sherlock's proclivities, but there's an interesting point here. Guy Ritchie's film is not the first to observe the symbiotic, borderline co-dependent relationship between the sleuth and his sidekick - so it's not as though he's adding a subtext that wasn't there all along.

As attitudes and morals change with time, sometimes the significance of a word, phrase or scenario can evolve accordingly, affording readers and viewers alike a fresh insight into the context of the characters. That there are few literary examples of the gay experience dating from Victorian England is not to say that there was no such thing. Like most elements of human sexuality in that era, it simply wasn't spoken or written about explicitly.

Instead, writers relied upon hints, clues and inferences. You know, the sort of thing that Sherlock would have picked up in an instant...

A Law unto himself

With Guy Richie's forthcoming 'Sherlock Holmes' dominating the covers of this month's film magazines, it's nice to see that one of its stars is pulling his weight in terms of ensuring some extra press coverage. Best of all, Jude's done it the only way he knows how - by using 'Little Jude'.

It was announced by the shag-happy actor's people this week that "Jude Law can confirm that, following a relationship last year, he has been advised that he is to be the father of a child due in the fall of this year." Which doesn't really come as any kind of surprise to anyone who's been following Jude's patchy career.

Having successfully squandered all the industry buzz and goodwill that surrounded him at the start of the decade, Jude is now known primarily for his below-the-belt behaviour.

First there was the affair with Sienna Miller that saw him leave wife Sadie Frost for the alleged 'actress'. Then, once they were happily engaged, Jude decided to sleep with the nanny that Sadie had hired for their kids, which saw dictionary editors around the world frantically rewriting the entries for 'poetic justice'.

Sensing that perhaps this wasn't going to enamour him to an already cool public, Jude chose to apologise to Sienna via a statement to the Press Association. And she bought it, for a while at least. Eventually Sienna and Jude split at the end of 2006, a parting of ways which I'm quite sure had nothing to do with Sienna having finally scored some half-decent reviews of her own for her role in Factory Girl.

Displaying all the brash confidence of Dickie Greenleaf, the self-absorbed playboy he portrayed in The Talented Mr Ripley, Jude spoke to the Telegraph in 2007 and announced that he was happy that his past mistakes had been aired so publicly: "I learnt my lesson and I ain't going to f***ing do it again."

So the announcement of this surprise pregnancy must have had the gods of Irony and Fate rubbing their hands together with glee that they have such a willing pawn to play with.

Still, after so much bad luck with the wrong type of women, it's nice that he's been able to focus his energies on a budding bromance instead, with co-star Robert Downey Jr, no stranger to public mistakes himself. Playing Watson to Downey's Holmes, Jude may finally have found his ideal partner. So you see - happy endings do happen, even in Hollywood.