More than one of you will be fired

It's time for everyone's favourite episode of The Apprentice. Sure, the advertising task is always good for a laugh, and last week's 'bag a bargain' episode was up to the concept's usual standard. But in terms of pure entertainment value, nothing can trump seeing our favourite characters put through their paces by Lord Sugar's bully-boy mates. And Margaret.

Like everything else in the show, it's not really grounded in any kind of reality, much like the contestants themselves. No-one in their right mind would conduct such an aggressively antagonistic interview. So consider it more a kind of karmic retribution; punishment for all those weeks of aggravation and irritation.

Suddenly, Lord Sugar's ridiculous decision to save Stuart Baggs ('the Brand') over large-eyed ingenue Liz Locke makes a little more sense. It's always best to save the most hateful candidate for the episode when they're torn apart like supporting characters in a Saw sequel.

Time for a quick check in with the five remaining hopeless hopefuls. Joanna claims that she's so much more than "...just a cleaner from Leicester". It remains to be seen what else she is. Jamie is dressed in a cheap suit and a red tie, whereas Chris is proud to look like John Major.

Stuart has got off to a great start, announcing "You've gotta show you've got the balls, and the minerals to do it." He obviously sees himself as cubic zirconia in the the rough. In typically arrogant style, he also announces that "Lord Sugar said he saw a little bit of himself in me." Funnily enough, so do I. But it's the tip of my left foot.

The interviews don't appear to be going well for Stuart - he went into a room to find Margaret Mountford making a special guest appearance. "Hello Margaret" he declared, to be met with that famous eyeroll, as she asked whether he'd typically greet an unknown interviewer on first name terms. Actually, I would, but Madge appears to be more comfortable with Miss Moutford. Pissy cow.

Joanna has breezed straight into her first interview unable to answer any questions about Lord Sugar's businesses. This comes up every single year, and yet time and time again the candidates don't even check Wikipedia to see which bits of his 'business empire' he's had to shave off and sell. "He sells computers and stuff" was her highly professional answer. I've never seen someone attempt to swallow their own face in shame before. That's one to tick off the bucket list.

Chris believes that he's a nationally revered scholar because he did well at his A-levels. Margaret's blue eyes glinted with delight at this, like a housecat spotting a mouse with a broken back.

All good things must come to an end

Tonight's the night folks. It's the end of series five of The Apprentice, as Kate faces off against Yasmina for the coveted title of whatever bullshit job Alan Sugar can muster up for them. Because let's be honest, it's never really been about the job has it? How many times have you heard one of the candidates state confidently that they really want to work for Sir Alan, without ever giving a reason for holding such a death wish?

Nonetheless, millions will tune in tonight to see the women's battle royale. Kate is the spare Appleton sister that Natalie and Nicole keep in a cupboard incase Shaznay insists on going for lunch. Despite the fact that her mouth is on the side of her face, like Picasso's idea of a pin-up, she's far more likeable than hard-faced Yasmina who has a vast forehead and all the easy-going charm of Robert Mugabe. It's a tough one to call in terms of who'll win, but it's clear who's going to lose - Nick Hewer. Because Margaret Mountford has announced that this will be her final Apprentice appearance.

Nick and Margaret are Sir Alan's squinty eyes and ears on every task, tutting disdainfully at every cretinous remark and holding their head in their hands at every failed negotiation. Although they are only usually seen together in the boardroom, they have a Butch and Sundance quality whereby it's hard to imagine one without the other. Margaret is leaving to focus on her PhD in papyrology, although I imagine she could also find work as a Tony Benn lookalike.

Interestingly, Sir Alan could be following Margaret if Tory politician John Whittingdale gets his way. Speaking to the Mail on Sunday, Wittingdale claims that Sir Alan's recent appointment as an 'Enterprise Tsar' for the government represents a conflict of interest, and that he needs to stand down from his role on The Apprentice. However, I wonder whether Wittingdale has even seen The Apprentice, since he describes Sir Alan as the show's 'presenter'. Not that it's anything new for Tory politicians to decry something that they haven't even seen. It seems to me that this is someone taking an opportunistic swipe at the BBC (and where better to do that in the Mail?) and name-checking The Apprentice on the day of the final to ensure some high profile coverage.