You know, people love to blame Simon Cowell
for killing the music industry. They seem to think that his various talent show
franchises are creating a disposable, soulless brand of music that leaves real
creativity out of the mix. But on the strength of this series of The Voice, I’d
argue that there’s an even more insidious threat to originality. A whole
generation of girls who think that, in order to be taken seriously, they need
to offer up a second rate impersonation of Amy Winehouse’s most self-indulgent
ticks. But we’ll get to that shortly. For now, let’s say hello to our judges,
and get this week’s contractually obliged reference to Tom’s legendary status
out of the way. There’s another 24 singers to get through, so we should dispense
with the pleasantries and dive straight in.
Team Ricky - Chris vs Jamie
Ricky’s happy to have Katy B as his
advisor, because “she knows what she’s talking about,” which doesn’t display
too much confidence in his own guidance. He’s picked Rolling In The Deep, for
these two to sing, because Adele doesn’t get nearly enough coverage on shows
like this. Chris talks about pulling out his “little falsetto” like he’s got a
kitten in his coat pocket, and I’m just glad that Jamie has toned down the “rubs
the lotion on its skin” aesthetic from his previous appearance. The rehearsal
sounds nightmarish, and despite Ricky’s best efforts to big up their pairing,
it’s less “serpent versus a lion,” and more “tinnitus vs perforated eardrum.”
In the close-ups, Chris looks like Oliver Hardy in a backwards baseball cap,
but at least that takes my mind off the awful falsetto ad libs. The song’s
melody has been entirely discarded, and replaced with a nervous breakdown set
to a drum beat. Tom says he wasn’t expecting the falsetto, which just means
that he wasn’t paying attention to the VT. Ricky chooses Chris, and says of his
protégé, “You feel like you’re in the presence of someone who should be doing
something.” Spoken less like a mentor, and more like a frustrated Middle
Manager.
Team Kylie – Rachael vs Amelia
Jake Shears is boasting that “Performance
is really where I shine,” whilst wearing a sweater that suggests dress sense
comes a lot further down his list of skills. Amelia wants to tear up the
vocals, but Kylie advises her to dial it down. I think this is less in service
to the song, and more out of sympathy to the audience, who’ve got twelve
over-sung yelling matches to get through. Both girls keep bursting into tears,
but it makes sense when we’re reminded that they’re only sixteen – if they
weren’t here, they’d probably be nicking scrunchees from Claire’s Accessories. During
their duet, they aim for chemistry, but it looks more like a playground rumble
that’s about to kick off. Rachael’s good from the start, but Amelia doesn’t get
going until halfway through. While Kylie deliberates, Emma asks Tom what it was
like performing at 16, as if he should be able to remember the Cretacious
period. Having chosen Rachael, Kylie gets up for yet another hug – she’d have
less body contact if she went to an osteopath.
Team Will – Kiki vs James
Will’s picked two of the most memorable
acts for his first duet of the night – burlesque singer Kiki, and James who
often gets mistaken for a woman. There are lots of tactful remarks about Kiki’s
big ‘personality’ – “When Kiki walks into a room, you know she’s there.” Also
known as Archimedes’ displacement principle. Will attempts to coach James
through his shyness, but he looks so disinterested, he could be sorting safety
pins in a drycleaners. Kiki’s introduced with the line: “She knows what she wants
and she’s here to take it,” and I’m sorry to say that I’m picturing her at a
hot fork buffet. James appears to have taken styling tips from Diana Vickers,
whereas Kiki looks like a sexy, 1940s weather balloon. Kiki seems a little
overconfident, and Will hides in the toilet to avoid making a decision. After
much sitting around, he finally returns and picks James.
Team Tom – Melissa vs Vicky
The next showdown is between two girls with
fake red hair. Initially, Tom wants them to perform Keep Me Hanging On, but
when neither singer connects with it, Tom’s forced to pull out a Pink song
instead. Vicky’s concerned that “I’m never gonna get away from who my brother
is,” so she should probably stop mentioning it every time she enters a room. Melissa
wipes the floor with her, mostly because she finds the right key and sticks
with it, whereas Vicky is all over the place. After a bit of confusion over
Will’s reference to plaid, Tom picks Melissa and Kylie avoids eye contact with
Vicky until the lighting state returns to normal.
Team Ricky – Myles vs Max
Ricky mentions how he loves the Beatles,
and has no time for anyone who doesn’t. So it’s the perfect time for Myles to
mention that he’s not really au fais with Eleanor Rigby. The Kaiser Chief tells
us that “Myles doesn’t even have a comfort zone,” and by the looks of those
skintight pleather leggings, neither does Katy B. The song gets off to a less
than auspicious start - Myles is too gravelly and Max sounds more like a four-minute
warning siren. The two of them go so far from the melody that even their
families look embarrassed, but in the end Ricky makes the first wrong decision
of the night by picking Max.
Team Will – Sophie May and Cherri
Will’s selected Love Cats for his two jazzy
singers, but by the look on their face, you’d think he’d given them Touch My
Bum by the Cheeky Girls. They spend most of their rehearsal time practicing
scat, which means five minutes of “scoobedy boobedy, yabba dabba
boop-oop-ee-doo.” Despite that, the arrangement works well, and both singers do
an interesting job. Sophie May has less stage presence, but Will chooses her
anyway. As the vanquished Cherri congratulates her rival backstage, there’s a
less-than-sincere edge to her wishes of “good luck.”
Team Kylie – Jamie vs Joe
Speaking about Kylie, Marvin comments “Jamie
went the way of most young men,” which sounds vaguely disrespectful to the pop
princess. Jamie and Joe are newfound bezzies, and spend much of their rehearsal
time hugging and adding each other to their speed dial. On the night, Jamie’s
voice is too big and Joe is too inconsequential, so it’s a tough one to call
for all the wrong reasons. Jamie can’t stop grinning, whereas Joe constantly
looks as if he’s going to burst into tears. As the two are finally wrenched
apart by Kylie’s decision to keep Jamie, she seems genuinely moved. In the
audience, Joe’s dad is shaking his head and wondering why the lad didn’t break
out some wobbly-legged Irish dancing moves.
Team Will – Iesher vs Femi
Will’s picked two of the best singers on
the show to go head-to-head, which is likely to make for a great duet, but a
piss-poor result. Femi seems to think his family’s life depend on his
performance, so I hope someone points out that he’s in The Voice, not one of
Jigsaw’s traps. He has a cool, classic Atlantic Soul sound to his voice,
whereas Iesher loses it on the adlibs a little. Will picks Iesher, to the
delight of her pushy parents, and Femi sings a pitch to Kylie, in the hope that
she’ll steal him. It’s pretty cringey stuff, but his voice is undeniably great.
Kylie says she was going to steal him anyway, so I guess everyone’s happy. As
Kylie approaches Will from behind, he comments “Someone smells nice, I know
that’s not Tom.”
Team Tom – Leverne vs Georgia
After all the huggy nonsense, it’s nice to
see two singers admitting that they couldn’t give a shit if the other went
home. They’re doing Taylor Swift’s 22, and Georgia can really connect with it,
because when she was that age, it was also her dress size. Tom picks up on the
girls’ nerves backstage, but tells them “I’m gonna try and relax myself.” Let’s
hope he keeps his back to the audience. Georgia has it in the bag from the
first line, and the awkward harmonies do nothing to help Leverne’s case. While
the mother of four now has to contend with being a loser, and portrayed as a
bit of a bitch, Georgia throws herself at a pile of meat in a tight sweater.
Team Kylie – Gemyni vs Jade
Time for the weird lookalikes round now, as
we get to see what would happen if Katherine Jenkins went up against two Leona
Lewises, after they’d all had a cartoon safe dropped on them. Jade’s struggling
to make an impression up against the twins, so she’s going to have to do more
than put another long split in her skirt. The twins do a weird slow motion run,
instead of dancing, and all three of them manage to make a complete hash of
Baby, One More Time. In the end, Kylie picks Jade, leaving the twins’
boyfriends to regret having those Gemyni t-shirts printed.
Team Tom – Gary vs Elesha
There’s just time for a few more scenes of
people straining themselves against a piano, before Gary and Elesha give the
penultimate performance of the evening. The studio lights make the sparkles in
Gary’s jacket look more like dandruff, which is unfortunate. Together, they
give a remarkably tuneless rendition of Usher’s Caught Up, which feels more
like a three-day audit than a two-minute pop song. Tom wishes they could sing
together all the time, which kind of contradicts Will’s earlier point that Elesha
sings better alone, then picks Gary.
Team Ricky – Luciee Marie vs Jazz
So here we are. Tonight’s last song. The
last duet in the battle round. And the last time I’ll have to freeze-frame the
recording to catch another ridiculous spelling of a perfectly ordinary name. “I’ve
loved Katy B for, like, ever.” gushes Luciee Marie about Ricky’s advisor who’s
only been in the industry for a couple of years. Katy B reciprocates by lying
that she really likes the tone of the girls’ voices – because who doesn’t love
an affected Winehouse impersonator? The
performance is almost unlistenable, with neither singer using their real voice,
but Will seems impressed regardless. Ricky picks Jazz, leaving Luciee Marie’s
mum to wonder if she’s going to be stuck carrying that banner round for the
rest of the day.
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