It wouldn’t be New Year if we didn’t have
another bunch of wannabes and neverwases entering the pre-fab mansion at
Elstree for three weeks of tension, tasks and toilet talk. So here’s the lovely
Emma Willis, dressed like she’s on her way to a Tarts and Vicars party for
multiple personality sufferers, to introduce us to this season’s line up. After
a quick walk-around the newly redecorated house (think Downton Abbey on an ASDA
Living budget), we’re ready to meet the desperate dozen.
Housemate Number 1 - Jim Davidson
Disingenuously describing himself as an “extremely
funny comedian,” the one-time Mr Saturday Night, now has all the appeal of a
wet Tuesday morning. He moans about the public’s misperception of him as “that
dirty, smutty, racist, sexist, homophobic bloke,” but he’s probably just
annoyed that they usually miss out tax-dodging and wife-beating. The only man
who could turn nine months of Yewtree investigations into a boast, he’s
determined to get any arseholes in the house to admit to it. So it’s a good job
the place is full of mirrors.
Housemate Number 2 - Linda Nolan
“You may recognise me from The Nolans,”
says Linda, oblivious to the fact that this will be meaningless to anyone born
in the last 30 years. So for the uninitiated, the Nolans are a curious Irish
brood of middle-aged Furbies with neck scrag, who’ll take part in anything that
involves a couple of cameras and an appearance fee. Linda’s VT involves lots of
peremptory finger-wagging and declarations of disdain towards women who strip
off to further their career. As a side note, we’re not reminded of Linda’s
nickname of ‘The Naughty Nolan’ until she’s handcuffed to Jim Davidson and
halfway up the stairs.
Housemate Number 3 - Dappy
It’s hard to know what to make of Dappy –
he’s a jittery little thing who spends most of his time making unintelligible
noises. Still, that doesn’t seem to have prevented him having a successful
music career with his cousin Tulisa, as he explains “I been in a group called
N-Dubz. We sold a hell of a load of albums.” He’s entering the house dressed
head to toe in a vulgar Versace two-piece, which makes him look like the
scatter cushions in a whorehouse. Emma challenges him up on his winning strategy,
saying “Big words in that VT,” although technically, “bow bow bow” and “Ni ni
ni ni” aren’t really words at all. He’s trying to make light of the fact that a
horse famously kicked him in the face, but makes no mention of the fact that a hungry
guinea pig seems to have styled his facial hair. Apparently, his friends call him
‘Tarzan’ because he’s a real survivalist, but within ten minutes he’s telling
Linda Nolan that he’s bricking it. Move over Bear Grylls.
Housemate Number 4 - Liz Jones.
Liz Jones is a fashion columnist for the
Daily Mail, and thrives on dividing opinion. It’s true; some people flat-out
hate her, and the rest kind of like hating her. She believes she’s less of a
role model for women, more of a flashing warning sign. She’s certainly a
cautionary tale about the dangers of cut-price plastic surgery; giving her the
curious appearance of Rose Byrne screen-testing to replace Andy Serkis as
Gollum. Having famously picked a fight with Rihanna in one of her columns, Liz
seems nervous that the Barbadian beauty might be one of her housemates. With
refreshing candour, Emma admits “It’s safe to say Rihanna isn’t in the house.” That’s
because she actually has a job.
Housemate Number 5 - Sam Faiers
The Only Way Is Essex star Sam seems nice
enough, if unlikely to be chased by Mensa for her subs. She reckons she’s a “typical
Essex girl” who enjoys “dressing up, going out and partying with friends.”
That’s not an Essex girl; that’s an eight year-old girl. Unfortunately, there’s
little else to say about her, except that she seems to enjoy turning around to
look at cameras. I don’t think she’ll be a controversial housemate – that’d be
like trying to muster antipathy towards a barstool.
Housemate Number 6 - Jasmine Waltz
Jasmine is what used to be known as a MAW
(Model/Actress/Whatever), although when she talks about “stirring up noise in
Hollywood,” it soon becomes clear that another ‘W’ might be more apropos. One
glance at her IMDB page tells you everything you need to know about her acting
skills; instead her VT focuses on the fact that she seems to exist solely
within the Daily Mail’s sidebar-of-shame. Aside from sleeping with the
still-married David Arquette, Jasmine has also punched Lindsay Lohan. Marcus
Bentley delights in telling us that she does all her own stunts, but I guess
the same can now be said for Li-Lo.
Housemate Number 7 - Lee Ryan
Lee might never be known as a towering
intellect, but he’s everyone’s favourite member of boyband Blue. He seems to
think that people will be expecting him to be constantly spurting in the house,
so let’s hope Liz Jones has thought to rinse out some jam jars. Stand down
people – he was talking about verbal diarrhea which he always forgets to sieve
before it comes out of his mouth. So congratulations to him for the most
stomach churning mixed metaphor of the new year. Lee believes in aliens, and
worries about orphaned badger children; he also describes himself as eccentric,
despite being unsure of the word’s meaning.
Housemate Number 8 - Casey Batchelor
Casey calls herself a model, but if you
only appear in things like Nuts and Zoo, you’re not actually a model; you’re a
stripper who can’t dance. With nothing interesting to say, and no career
accomplishment about which she can boast, Casey settles for turning up on the
night, looking like Nicole Scherzinger and Kelly Brook both squeezed into a
single pleather dress. As she enters the house attached to Lee Ryan, Marcus
tells us that Casey dreams of setting up a lingerie company for girls with big
boobs. To be honest, I’m not sure I see the point, if it’s just going to be tossed
on the floor of a photographer’s draughty studio.
Housemate Number 9 - Ollie Locke
The adenoidal bisexual from Made In
Chelsea, Ollie used to look a bit like one of Tolkien’s wood elves. Thankfully,
he’s had his ridiculous locks cut short and he look much better for it.
However, with his camp persona, orange skin and glowing white veneers, he’s really
just Rylan with a better postcode. He sounds enormously excited, like he could
pop out of his maître d’ outfit at any moment.
Housemate number 10 - Lionel Blair
Mr Showbiz himself, Lionel is something of
a loose cannon – always on the verge of an impromptu tap-dance, like
nitro-glycerin with jazz hands. He boasts “I’ve worked with so many icons
within the business.” And Una Stubbs. There was a time where he was seldom off
the telly: “Give Us A Clue ran for 12 years,” he says, reminding us that every
episode felt like it. Looking a lot like the last withered citrus in a fruit
bowl, he’s thrilled to be going into the Big Brother house, even though he has
no idea who’s in there. To be honest, the audience is none the wiser, and we’ve
seen the fuckers go in. “I’m 59 plus VAT,” he confesses, sending half the
viewing audience onto the internet to see if the tax rates have suddenly been
hiked by 200%.
Housemate Number 11 - Luisa Zissman
The runner up on this year’s Apprentice,
Luisa claims to have the energy of Einstein, the sex appeal of the Energiser
bunny, and the intellect of Jessica Rabbit. At least, I think that’s what she
said, and I’m in no position to argue. Since her experiences with Lord Sugar,
she seems to be carving out a niche as a sexually provocative business expert,
like Sir John Harvey-Jones in a pair of crotchless knickers. Having moaned that
she’s never won anything, Luisa enters the house proclaiming herself an
“independent woman,” despite all evidence to the contrary.
Housemate Number 12 - Evander Holyfield
Our final housemate is former heavyweight champion
of the world, Evander Holyfield. He might know how to throw a punch, but he’s
no financial whiz. Despite making over $200 million in the ring, he was reduced
to marketing his own grilling machine in the last few years. Big Brother might
be promising to be tough on the contestants this year, but at least he’s
considerate enough to handcuff Luisa to Evander’s right side. Tyson might be
getting a thank-you note in a couple of weeks’ time.
No comments:
Post a Comment