Poor old K-Stew is in a bit of a pickle this week, after it emerged that she’d been chewing on someone else’s bottom lip for a change, and it wasn’t the one belonging to her undead paramour R-Pattz. It turns out that, while filming Snow White and the Huntsman, she got a little too close to her director Rupert Sanders.
Ordinarily, stories of illicit extra-curricular liaisons are swiftly denied by the stars’ representatives, as everyone else strives to maintain a dignified silence. Not this time though. In a surprising move, Stewart went public with her apology to the walking hair-do she’d wronged, stating: "This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry," Rob responded by packing up his coffin full of shimmering cheekbone enhancer into a U-Haul van and moving out of their shared home. And you thought all the overwrought drama of Twilight was limited to what didn’t happen onscreen.
Unsurprisingly the Twihards have taken to Twitter en masse to label Kristen a home-wrecking whore, leaving Sanders to emerge relatively unscathed, despite the fact that he’s a 42 year-old married father of two. His wife Liberty Ross has also waded into the muddied waters around this whole mess, posting thinly-veiled insults about Stewart on everyone’s favourite online showcase for dirty-laundry airing, before promptly deleting her account. But no news, as yet, about whether she’s tried to cut off his cock with a pair of nail clippers.
So what are we to make of all this pent-up drama? It’s enough to make you crack open a My Little Pony diary and compose bad poetry. The cynical side of me wonders whether Summit entertainment, producers of the world’s most toothless vampire franchise, are rubbing their talons with glee at all the free publicity ahead of the series’ fifth and final installment. Since the fans who made the films a genuine phenomenon already know everything that happens in the second half of the last book, this real-life soap opera gives them the kind of cliff-hanger they need to ensure bums on seats on opening weekend. Will Bella and Edward kiss and make-up, or will they be cursed to wander the Earth for all eternity alone? Because at this stage in the proceedings, the actors and their paper-thin characters are almost indistinguishable.
In fact, the really odd thing about the whole affair (pun definitely intended) is how publicly it’s all been played out. Everyone’s said their piece, no-one’s denied anything, and, of course, the press have had a field day. But what about us? I mean, we’re discussing it. We’ve all got opinions about who did what to whom. It’s like Cluedo, with shagging – in the Drawing Room with a bottle of Rioja. Maybe the ceaseless parade of reality TV shows has left us incapable of distinguishing between fact and fiction. When we see celebrities having a tough time, we assume we’re entitled to weigh-in on the matter. Perhaps there’ll be a phone vote to decide whether they get back together or not. Or maybe we can stage a Twitter campaign – hashtag #bellanedwardforeva if you want them to reunite.
In the end, it’s really none of our business. We’ve all fucked up and made mistakes. We’ve broken hearts or had ours broken. But at least most of us have had the good fortune to go through it in private. Is this the real life, is it just fantasy? Who knows? I say we should just look the other way and leave them to it. And if that means I have to stay away from Breaking Dawn part 2, so much the better.