As my mother always warned me, larking
about is all well and good, until someone gets hurt. And this week, it was
Simon Cowell who was left licking his wounds after it all turned sour on the
X-Factor. We all know he encourages the novelty acts, because they generate
lots of lovely free PR. However, when James and Ella found themselves in the
bottom two last Sunday, it was clear that Rylan and Christopher’s continued
presence in the contest has become the joke that started the whole world
crying. Worst of all, Simon will still have to follow through with a record
contract if one of them actually wins this thing. Even so, I was surprised to
see him appear on my Twitter timeline today, imploring: “To everyone voting in
the uk tonight. Please vote for who you believe could be a star next year. It's
in your hands.”
Reminding people to vote for the acts who
can sing is clearly number one on tonight’s agenda, as every single VT refers
to Ella’s shock eviction. “What happened last week?” asks Dermot, prompting
Gary to respond with “People didn’t vote.” Later on in the show, Gary will be pointing
out that the sun is hot, water has a damp feeling, and Rylan should’ve gone
weeks ago. Tulisa is the first judge to have lost all her acts, and the
expression on her face suggests she was in two minds about even turning up. “You
know me Dermot, I’m always honest,” she says. Sure, like the time she took the
vote to deadlock because she thought Rylan deserved to stay in the competition.
With only five acts left, each of them will be singing two songs, as they
manhandle the ABBA and Motown songbooks. I’m not sure why they felt the need
for two different themes, since it’s not as if either of them have a limited
back catalogue.
Since he’s the act we all love to hate,
Rylan is opening the show. “Still here, week eight,” he boasts, like an orange
stain that even a Vanish Powerstick couldn’t shift. This week, he’s decided to
cook Nicole a Thanksgiving turkey, and figures that the whole thing can be
cooked in 23 minutes – this could be the shortest live show on record. Although
he’s singing Mamma Mia, the staging is more like something from Chess,
suggesting that the producers have got their Benny and Bjorn references mixed
up. “One more look and I forget everything,” he sings, but it’s going to take
an aggressive course of hypnotherapy course to erase the memories of this
monstrosity, all delivered in one long, flat note. Nicole tells him she’s like
to be the gel in his hair, whereas I’d settle for the boot in his arse.
Union J are empathising with their recently
departed friend: “It’s heartbreaking to see Ella like that, we’ve been in that
position.” Except that they haven’t, because they’re still here. The boys are
all supportive of Jaymi’s big coming out announcement, but the VT shows lots of
shots of him leaning against a wall checking his phone. I guess Grindr got a
new user this week. They’ve picked Winner Takes It All, probably because it’s
mid-tempo and won’t require them to learn too much choreography, other than
that crowd-sweeping hand-grab that all the acts seem to rely on. Tulisa is
still trying to make ‘on point’ happen, which makes absolutely no sense. Gary
thinks they’re on a roll and Nicole loves the way they focused on the girls in
the audience. “Get used to it, that’s what your future is gonna look like,” she
warns. Jaymi looks thrilled.
Jahmene’s been out shopping with his mum,
who’s come down to London for a makeover, as five thousand Toni & Guy
stylists spontaneously decide to take the day off. In the end, they put her
braids up in a bun and rinse her fringe, but it’s hardly a spectacular
transformation. Jahmene sings I Have A Dream, and starts out in too low a key,
which makes his voice wobble. As the performance goes on, it gets a lot better,
if a little too gospelly, but the budget clearly can’t stretch to the sliding
doors and a local backing choir – they’re saving that for the finals. The
judges are mildly complementary, but wonder if nerves got the better of him.
Jahmene admits to being a little overwhelmed, since he can see his mum’s hair
in the audience. That’s hardly a surprise, since there are cosmonauts in the
international space station who can see it.
Nicole is thrilled that James is still
here, and he’s similarly over the moon. Unfortunately, his ‘over-the-moon’ face
is a lot like mine when I realise the milk has turned after I’ve already
stirred it into my coffee. Of course, much will be made of James putting his ‘unique’
spin on ABBA, but given the depth of tuneful melancholy in their songs, it shouldn’t
actually be too hard for a miserablist troubadour to find something to connect
with. He’s gone for S.O.S. and it works pretty well, with an insistent acoustic
riff and an erratic tempo. I must be warming to him, because I don’t even mind
the unnecessary changes he’s made to the melody. Here we go: Louis says “I
never thought angst and ABBA would go so well together.” Has he never seen the
video for One of Us? It’s like an Ingmar Bergman film, with two-part harmonies.
Gary tells us “Brace yourselves, it’s
Christopher Maloney.” I’m not taking any chances, so I’ve got a ball-gag at the
ready. As he coaches Christopher on Fernando, Gary reminds him “You know, I saw
Agnetha about six weeks, so we’ve gotta get this right.” I’m not sure I
understand the connection; does he owe her money? Christopher is another one
who holds the tune well, but shouts the big notes and misses the key. The
cameraman does a sterling job of keeping a steady eye on Christopher, when
there’s clearly a spectacular set of boobs on one of the dancers that would make
for far more compelling viewing. Louis says “It was like something from ABBA
The Musical.” I think he means Mamma Mia, but with Louis you can never be too
sure. Then he goes off on one, saying “There was something in the air that
night. Where’s Fernando, where’s Fernando?” Tulisa needs to start mashing the
pills into his food. Interestingly, Gary complements Christopher on his vocals,
but carefully avoids mentioning whether he wants to see him in the final.
After the break, Union J are patiently
listening to Louis run through a series of obvious statements: “It’s week eight
and you’re still here. You’re the last boyband standing.” One of the boys says “If
you’d have told us at the judge’s houses that we’d be in the final five, we’d
never have believed you.” Which begs the question, why did you enter the
competition? I’ll tell you what, there’s none of this
forced humility in the US version of the
show. The contestants there are so hungry for it, I don’t think they’d bat an
eyelid if they had to eat a live baby instead of facing the sing-off. As they
croon their way through a thumping version of I’ll Be There, we see teenage
girls making the love-heart sign with their hands. Well, I assume that’s what
it is – they could be doing a goatse gesture, and I’d be none-the-wiser. Gary’s
right on the money, referencing the history of boybands and Motown, and
complaining that they could have done something more surprising. Louis is
incensed and asks if Gary’s deaf. It’s a fair point; the poor guy’s been stuck
in a recording studio with Christopher all week, so he’d be lucky to escape
with a nasty bout of tinnitus.
Nicole can’t find the camera or the
autocue, so it all goes a bit three-cocktail mental as she introduces James
Arthur, when the next act up is actually Rylan. Their video is really just an
extended plug for the Samsung tablet, as they recap some of Rylan’s past
performances. Tonight, he’s singing a Supremes medley in a mustard suit with a
single pink sleeve. It’s probably supposed to be a fashion statement, but it
looks more like he just fisted a rhinoceros before coming on-stage. There’s
also a giant cartoon caricature of Rylan on the big screen, which still manages
to be more three-dimensional that the real thing. Nicole thinks he’s a breath
of fresh air, whereas I’d suggest he’s more of a Bacardi Breezer burp.
Next up, it’s the real James Arthur, who’s
begrudgingly taking part in another Samsung tablet ad, before planning his
performance of Let’s Get It On. He says it’s the kind of song you’d put on if
you wanted to “woo a lady”. To make his point, he takes Nicole and Tulisa’s
hands as he sings, leaving Louis looking a little left out. The vocal is his
strongest yet, because he’s not over-singing or trying to channel a restless
spirit. Gary thinks that Ed Sheeran fans will buy James’ records, but only
because those piracy reports suggest that none of them are actually spending
their hard-earned on Ed’s. Nicole thinks that lots of babies will be conceived
tonight - James Arthur, the one-man power-cut.
Jahmene’s happy about Motown week, since
it’s the music he’s been listening to all his life. He’s doing Tracks Of My
Tears, and although he can’t quite sell the line about “people say I’m the life
of the party,” his voice is perfect for the song. He really does have the tone
of a Smokey Robinson or Ben E King, so it’s nice to hear him in his comfort
zone.
Gary and Christopher are looking back at
how far he’s come since he was the wildcard choice. Not that far, to be honest,
since he’s still wobbling like Hurricane Sandy is running up his trouser-leg,
and he’s yet to pick a song that wouldn’t appear on Jeremy Clarkson’s iPod. That’s
why, of all the amazing songs to choose from, he’s picked Dancing On The
Ceiling by Lionel Richie. Tulisa says that she doesn’t believe his performance,
but I think that’s a little harsh. I’ve always felt that he was a cruise ship
singer, so I’m just picturing him doing cabaret on the Poseidon after the big
wave hits. Nicole explores an elaborate breakfast cereal metaphor to say he sounded
a bit too white, and Christopher promises that, if he gets to perform next
week, he’ll come back trendy. Matalan won't know what hit it.
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