Syco Productions
Re: X-Factor Series Nine
Staff Memo
Hello Team. Sorry I couldn’t be over there
with you, but really I’ve got my own problems over here. Seriously, you try
getting a coherent thought out of Britney Spears at ten in the morning. Now,
I’ll be honest - we’re not off to a great start. We’ve tried to shake things up
with the addition of a new judge, and our scripted reality segments, but we
still seem to be losing those all-important column inches to a septuagenarian who
knows her way round an apple strudel. Having reviewed the tapes from the
Judges’ Homes, I wanted to share some notes with you about how you all
performed.
Tulisa – congrats on your new makeover.
Since we’ve been hemorrhaging viewers to Strictly these last few weeks, we need
to pull in that middle aged audience. A bit more Vaseline on the lens and some
of the dopey old fuckers might think they’ve tuned into Vanessa Feltz. So good
effort there. But please have a word with Ella. She may be the best contestant
in your group (so no surprise that you put her through first) but she really
needs to go easy on the eye make-up. At one point I thought a couple of her
bulldog clips had slipped down her face and pinched her eyes shut. Oh, and if
you’re going to build the drama about why you might not put someone through,
come up with something better than ‘nerves’.
Now, I know you’ve all been briefed on
bringing out those sob stories. They get the red tops interested, and give us
loads of close-ups of running mascara – that product placement deal with
Maybelline can’t be too far away. But have a word will you? Amy tried to
convince us that her sob story is the fact that she lives in a house with her
parents and siblings. I can’t stress this enough – we can’t do anything with
relatives who aren’t dead. Take a leaf out of Jade’s book instead. That
confessional about wanting a little garden so she and her daughter can sleep in
a tent – genius. She’s making homelessness sound aspirational. That’s what we
need more of. Finally, I’d just like to ask what the hell you were thinking by
putting Lucy through. She writes her own songs and plays a guitar. How the hell
are we supposed to squeeze her into a catsuit and get two minutes of Katy Perry
out of that?
Louis, great job mate. No-one tunes into your
bit for any nasty surprises, so thanks for keeping it nice and predictable.
Having said that, you do realise that you actually put a girl through, right?
The little short-haired blonde in MK1? Just wanted to clear that up. Oh, and we’ve
had a few complaints from some of the contestants – apparently squinting into
the midday Nevada sun for half an hour isn’t good for the eyes. I’ll be honest,
Lou Lou, we got a bit worried for a minute when you complemented Duke by
telling them they’re “so different to anything we’ve ever seen on the show.”
Just to remind you – that is not a good thing. We’re already scratching our
heads trying to figure out what to do with that Spraggan lass, the last thing
we need is a trio of beat-boxing day labourers. But we knew we could trust you
to fill the line up with pretty boy-bands. Don’t let this slip to anyone, but
next year we’re planning to just stand outside Hollister with a giant butterfly
net. Let us know if you want to be in charge of the pheromone spritzer that
we’ll be using to bait the trap. One final note – maybe you want to keep the
age references to a minimum. It’s bad enough that you’re turning into Grandpa
Munster, but those comments about nobody being interested in an older boy-band?
They’re just gonna piss Barlow right off, and he’s touch-and-go as it is.
Nicole, one word for you – bravo! You look
fantastic, you speak sense and, most importantly, you followed your script to
the letter. I know there were a few raised eyebrows (not Sharon’s, hers are
stuck up there) when we decided to put Rylan through. He can’t sing, he dresses
like he came straight from the Mos Eisley cantina, and a two-minute VT of him
is worse than being stuck in a festival Portaloo with Jedward. But trust me,
he’s ratings gold. We’ve already got Samsung on board, and they’re going to
make a killing replacing all the TVs that kicked in between now and Christmas.
That meltdown he had, when you told him he was in your top three, was
priceless. More overacting than that Turkish film we watched in the office last
week. Good choice on James – he’s a fucking mess, but once we’ve styled his
hair and broken those glasses, we should be OK. Book him in with the turd
polishers first thing Monday will you?
Speaking of which, was that you having a
sly dig at Jahmene? I mean, he’s a nice kid and everything, but did you have to
give him a shout out for his sense of style? I’ve got news for you love, it’s
not his style, it’s fucking Cromwell’s Madhouse. Styling issues aside, we’ve
got big hopes for the nervy little bugger, so good on you for giving him the
pep talk he needed: “Go have a good cry and grow a pair of balls while you’re
at it” is going up on the office wall tomorrow.
Gary – thanks for sticking with us. We’re
all really pleased you showed up, in spite of what you’ve been through. If for
no other reason than the fact that Geri Halliwell’s been driving us nuts with
offers to step in if it all gets a bit much. On the subject of mentals, we’re
not sure Nicola took her rejection too well, the way she stomped off across
that wet lawn in her high heels. Might want to pop the kids’ rabbits in the
attic until the dust’s settled, eh?
You might have noticed we’ve had to cut
back on the budget a bit – the flights and hotels have put us in the red, which
is why you were bumped out of the main house and stuck in the stable block. We
also had to send the big sofa back, so they could wash Cole’s grubby footprints
off the loose covers, if you’re wondering why you were stuck with a couple of
poxy armchairs. We promise all the furniture will be wipe clean for the live
finals.
I know we said you’d got a dynamite
category this year but, let’s be honest, I think we’ve short-changed you a bit.
Even the editors nodded off on your segment, so sorry if we haven’t got many notes
for you. Cheers for sacrificing one of your slots to Carolynne. We were all
ready to give up when she started going on about her annus horribilis again, so
it’s probably for the best that we just let her get this out of her system. Bit
of a shame that you’d only got one place left after putting Kye through, but
you made the right call. Christopher’s blood pressure looked like it was about
to go through the roof; his legs were a completely different colour to his
face. Any more pressure and we could have had a full blown Scanners on our
hands. Of course, that did mean that we missed out on an emotional reaction
from Melanie when you gave her the good news. She tried to squeeze a tear, then
ended up just poking herself in the eye when none came. Look, you made the best
of a bad job. But on the upside, at least you won’t be too busy in the run up
to Christmas. Every cloud and all that.
One final note for all of you. I know it’s
that time when we start thinking about make-overs for all our acts, but after
watching the rough cut of the top twelve singing Read All About It, I’d advise
you to exercise some caution. Ella’s gob looked like the fucking Ring – I was
only surprised that some dead Japanese girl didn’t crawl out of it on the high
note. And this might be the age of metrosexuality, but it’d be great if I could
tell the girls and boys apart when they’re all singing together.
That’s it folks. Great work, and I’ll see
you in Soho House for the Christmas bash.
Si
No comments:
Post a Comment