Your shit don't stink

If you really want to understand the rich diversity of modern society, just take a look at people's toilet habits. There are some who are so comfortable with evacuating their bowels that they're happy to announce to the world that they're off for a shit, with a newspaper neatly rolled up and tucked into their armpit. Others are so mortified by the laying cable at work, they're willing to endure an afternoon of stomach cramps in order to hold it in until they get home. And then there are the hygiene obsessives - they're the ones who insist on using those flushable toilet seat covers.

But it turns out that there's another sub-category of toiler-goer - the ones who pretend that their body's only by-product is a light floral fragrance. They're the ones who've managed to turn a product which sounds like a bad Saturday Night Live sketch into a runaway success. Described on its packaging as "The before-you-go Toilet Conditioner", YouGoGirl promises to "mask embarrassing odours, dampen sounds and eliminate splash". Unfortunately, it can't actually mask the sound of you dropping your guts, but at least passers-by won't be able to determine the amount of mass in transit from any telltale audio.

Despite its ridiculously upbeat name, which repurposes Oprah's empowering chant in a way she never imagined, YouGoGirl thrives on the fears and inhibitions of its target audience. For them, its biodegradable, phosphate-free formula enables them to produce the kind of delightful log that Martha Stewart could fish out and dress up as a Christmas table decoration.

In a profile on Jezebel.com, YouGoGirl's inventor claims that he "wants to be as ubiquitous as toilet paper", envisaging a future where every woman's handbag contains a puce packet of his poo-cloaking powder. Although it was originally designed as a gender-neutral solution, early testing showed that women were most interested in disguising their ablutions. According to Rob Bobinski, men are much more comfortable with their pan-clogging proficiency: "You can't say men enjoy the smell, but they're kind of proud of it. Women aren't. It makes sense to go after the people who are most interested..."

So how does it work? The short video demonstration, which thankfully only covers the prep and omits the follow-through, shows how a simple sprinkle in the pan fills the toilet with a soft foam to gently catch your output and mask the stink with its own light perfume. Presumably, women are much less concerned with leaving traces of white powder in a toilet stall, than they are with letting anyone think that they've got a fully functioning digestive tract.

Bizarrely, despite their hang ups, these same women are more than happy to tell their friends and family about how Bobinski's innovative product is number one for number twos. The official website offers up countless gushing testimonials: "I have kept the photo on phone and showed at least 3 ladies so far. It's a great girl conversation piece. And of course we all think it's awesome."

If you're wondering why women get to have all the fun, don't worry, a masculine version called 'GottaGo' is coming soon. The official website explains: "Men benefit greatly when it comes to splash reduction, research also shows that when men have a target while standing and 'going' their aim improves greatly and the splash from within the toilet that lands all over the bowl, rim and floor is dramatically reduced, if not eliminated. So get your man to use YGG and you'll clean a whole lot less. Just tell him it's fun, like writing his name in the snow!" But why stop there? You could give the kids a carrot and few lumps of coal and they can play in the pan for hours. It's so hygienic they won't even need mittens.

This one's taken

For a while in the late nineties, Ally McBeal managed to perfectly capture the zeitgeist for modern career women. OK, so not everyone fantasised about CGI babies and worked over a bar where Sting and Barry White would drop in for a quick sing-song. But like her UK counterpart Bridget Jones, Ally bravely tackled issues of romance, dating and career progression in a frothy, lighthearted way.

Despite the many moral issues that David E Kelley's scripts addressed during its five-season run, one of the most contentious elements of show was the concept of the unisex bathroom. Used primarily as the set-up for several thousand repeats of the same joke (character speaks out of turn about someone else, followed by whip-zoom to reveal them in the bathroom mirror), the idea of a communal toilet inspired heated debate. Would you be happy 'dropping the kids off at the pool' within earshot of colleagues of both sexes?

Male and female bathrooms used to be a no-brainer, but now the world is starting to recognise some of the inherent complexities in the concept. For instance, when faced with two doors, which one should a transsexual choose?

This is an issue that's long been debated in the US, with advocates on both sides of the political spectrum arguing their respective cases. Conservatives have, somewhat predictably, managed to conflate gender-identity with sexual deviance, and built up a series of dubious arguments that a male-female transsexual using the little girls' room might actually put little girls in danger. But if they can't use the women's room, and it would seem odd for them to wander into the men's room, where on Earth are they supposed to go? Is it better for them to just hitch up their skirt and piss in the street?

In Brazil, a leading samba dance school has attempted to tackle this thorny topic by creating a third toilet for gay and transgender dancers, and according to media reports, they're not the first to do so. But even though it sounds like the school was well-intentioned in creating a 'safe space', not everybody is happy about the new arrangement.

Claudio Nascimento, who heads up Rio's state council on LGBT rights, referred to the new facilities as 'carnival apartheid' and suggested that they encourage homophobia. However, some of the transgendered dancers are grateful to have a more convenient convenience, as Karina Kara told news reporters: "There are things that we want to do in a men's room, or female, and don't feel comfortable. A gay bathroom will be wonderful, because we will be able to do what we want." Well, re-beading a headdress or bedazzling a thong does require a little extra elbow room.

Unfortunately, in situations like this, there's really no right or wrong answer. When people refer to the 'struggle for equal rights', we should remember that it's not just the oppressed who are struggling. Sometimes, even a well-meaning gesture can be misinterpreted by a thankless community.

So until we're all grown up enough to take a leaf out of Ally McBeal's book ("Living on 400 Calories A Day") and use a communal bathroom, we're going to have to make some tough choices.

Flash in the pan

Imagine the horror. You're at an event, you need the bathroom and you decide to use the conveniences. With a rudimentary understanding of toilet stall etiquette, you give each door a nudge to see if the lock is engaged. Finally, you find a door that's unlocked, it swings open and you're confronted with an image so nightmarish that it could see you living out the rest of your days with your arms tied behind your back taking your liquified food through a straw.

Courtney Love, a woman who seems to spend most of her time looking like an early make-up test for Heath Ledger's Joker, is sitting on the toilet, with her skirt around her ankles. Your eyes meet, and before you have a chance to apologise or run screaming from the room clawing at your face, she launches herself at you like a screaming banshee.

For pharmacist Sebastian Karnaby, this traumatic incident was no hypothetical scenario. He found himself face-to-sort-of-face with the one-time Mrs Cobain as he was trying to leave a party at the Standard Hotel in New York. Although Love has, in the past, been quite happy spending time in bathroom stalls with pharmacists, this was clearly a step too far, and she attacked Karnaby screaming, "I am going to get you thrown out!"

Reflecting on his brush with fame, the clearly traumatised Karnaby spoke for the entire world when he told reporters "I never wanted to see Courtney Love on the toilet. It wasn't a pretty sight."

Perhaps next time he's in a public bathroom, he'll be safer if he just calls Candyman's name five times in the mirror.