Bully for you

Being a newspaper columnist must be a piece of piss. Flick through the papers every day, find a few snippets of news to comment on, and then email 800 words off to the editor on a Friday afternoon. Other than that, just stick a bulldog clip on the back of your head every couple of years and pose for a new headshot.

Which explains why Amanda Platell always looks so smug. Every week she gets to round up a few people she doesn't like (it must take her five days just to draw up a short-list) make a few ad hominem attacks, and then laugh all the way to the bank. Not that I imagine hers is a life with much laughter in it.

In today's edition of the Mail on Sunday, the Wicked Witch of West London takes potshots at Wayne Rooney, Cheryl Cole, Paul Gascoigne, Katy Perry, Russell Brand, Kate Moss, Evan Davies, Nick Clegg, Gordon Brown, Charlotte Church and even Ann Widdecombe. It's not so much an editorial as just throwing a handful of darts at a rolodex.

I wouldn't mind so much if the writing showed any kind of incisive insight. Unfortunately, what we get are gems like "Cheryl Cole proudly poses beside her Madame Tussauds’ dummy and says: ‘It’s mind-blowing, it looks so real.' I’m not so sure. One of them’s got lifeless hair extensions, painted-on tan, improbably pert breasts, acrylic nails and an expressionless forehead.
And the other one’s a waxwork." Someone give the woman Noel Coward's dressing gown - she's earned it.

Maybe it's just yesterday's post weighing on my mind, but I can't help feeling that Amanda is just another malicious bully, although with a slightly bigger vocabulary than the average wedgie-giver. As a die-hard conservative, she longs for simpler, more gentile times when people were nice to one another. But she has to admit that she fully embraces all the ugliness and cruelty of what she dismissively labels 'Planet Celebrity'.

Here's hoping that someone takes pity on Cheryl, Wayne et al, and records an uplifting YouTube video for them. Hang in there guys and don't worry - It gets better.

Was it something we did?

Everyone knows that break-ups are tough. But when you're sifting through the wreckage of a broken relationship, dealing with all the ugly recriminations and retaliations, it's easy to forget about the innocent victims caught in the cross-fire.

Not the kids - fuck them, that's what therapy's for. It'll probably make them grow up into more interesting people.

Think of the brands. The ones who've been with you through thick and, well, stupid. They're looking at your broken home, hugging their knees and sobbing, wondering whether it's all their fault. Questioning if they're the reason why you two don't love each other any more?

OK, so maybe that's not what most people have to deal with when their marriage hits the skids like Richard Hammond in a jet-powered car. But for people like Wayne Rooney, it's a major consideration.

As well as having to make amends with Coleen for having a threesome with two prostitutes while she was pregnant with baby Kai, his future with Coca-Cola currently hangs in the balance. According to news reports, the world's biggest brand name is currently feeling 'horrified and bewildered' by the revelations.

If the King Edward-faced footballer wants to patch things up (and save his £600,000-a-year contract), he's going to have to sit down with the soft drinks giant and explain that he still loves them very, very much. And that whatever happens between him and his wife won't change how he feels about them.

Perhaps he could offer to take Coke to McDonalds every other weekend. Or he might want to refer to Katie Price's argument that often, the products of a broken home get lots more Christmas presents than those in a nuclear family. That's sure to put a smile back on their face.

Thankfully, not everyone's turned their back on him - 50 Cent has kindly offered Wayne a place to stay while he puts his life back together.

Inviting him to stay in his Manhattan penthouse, the generous rapper has said "I’ll make sure that if Wayne comes here and we party that he doesn’t get into any trouble." Which presumably means some kind of 'skank-discretion' screening process.

It's nice to know that someone's looking out for the big guy.