Time to grow up

Being a parent isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Sure, it means that in seventeen years you'll be able to take advantage of a free taxi service (less petrol costs, natch). And at least there'll be someone to check you into the nursing home once you start leaving patches on the furniture.

In the meantime, there's an awful lot to endure - from sleepless nights and neon faeces to horrendous mood-swings and temper tantrums. However, the real reason most parents look like they're a bug's eyelash away from buying an automatic weapon and shooting up a shopping mall, is the kids' TV they have to endure. 

Inane, repetitive, and featuring more headache-inducing colour clashes than Katie Price's make-up bag, children's programming can turn even the most advanced academic brain into lukewarm oatmeal. So it's hardly surprising that Sesame Street has endured for over 40 years, since its canny producers are wise to the fact that their output is being watched by grown-ups too. 

The show deftly blends in adult concepts and intelligent humour with the low-tech animation and counting sequences, to make sure that the parents in its audience don't end the broadcast wondering if its possible to commit suicide with a Fisher Price building set. 

This week, the show even took on one of HBO's most challenging and controversial dramas in an extraordinary sketch called 'True Mud' - depicting a version of the vampire thriller where Merlotte's Bar gets visited by a stranger with an insatiable hunger for sludge. The sketch even features a fleeting appearance by the fuzzy version of cross-dressing gay chef Lafayette. You never got that on Playschool.  

The street was also visited by Katy Perry this week, who showed up to serenade Elmo with a new version of her single 'Hot and Cold', designed to introduce children to the concept of opposites. Interestingly, the song didn't need that much rejigging to be appropriate for the under-fives, suggesting that Katy might not be the world's most advanced lyricists. 

No-one seemed particularly concerned about the bizarre coupling of a squeaky-voiced, goggle-eyed muppet with one of Sesame Street's longest-running residents. In fact, most people's issue with the online clip was Katy's somewhat inappropriate strapless dress. The low-cut lime-green outfit was in danger of encouraging too many young viewers to count to two - which would be confusing if that day's episode happened to be sponsored by the number six. 

After a flurry of complaints about the footage, the show's producers issued a statement, which said "In light of the feedback we've received on the Katy Perry music video which was released on YouTube only, we have decided we will not air the segment on the television broadcast of Sesame Street, which is aimed at preschoolers." 

It's not all bad news though. Viewers who enjoy the curious fusion of childhood innocence and mature humour will soon have a new show to fixate on. PBS has announced a new concept called 'Next Avenue', aimed at baby boomers, rather than babies, which will teach them "how to handle their lives now that they've reached middle age, much the way the preschool TV show teaches kids their A-B-Cs."

I look forward to seeing how the show's innovative composers handle manage to create catchy songs about final-pay pensions, endowment mortgages and sexual harassment in the workplace. 

Bi bi baby

No sooner had we gotten used to the earth-shattering revelation that Ricky Martin 'Shakes His Bon-Bon' for the boys, along comes another celebrity to upset the applecart with revelations about their sexuality.

This time around, it's Anna Paquin, the one-time Oscar-winning child star, who is throwing her closet doors open wide.

Anna made her announcement while filming a public service announcement for Cyndi Lauper's Give a Damn Campaign, which promotes equality for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community. The video was shot at the end of January and features a number of high profile stars (and Kelly Osbourne) encouraging the public to "give a damn" about discrimination.

To say that people were surprised by Anna's declaration would be something of an understatement - apparently even people present at the video shoot had no idea that Anna had something she wanted to get off her chest. But there she is, telling the world "I'm Anna Paquin. I'm bisexual and I give a damn."

Within hours of Anna's story hitting the news, the servers at wegiveadamn.org had crashed, presumably because a bunch of frustrated men thought they'd be getting something very different when they heard about 'Anna Paquin's bisexuality video'.

Although most people seem to be pretty accepting of Anna's lifestyle, the concept of bisexuality still seems to be a little troubling for some. Since Anna is engaged to her True Blood co-star Stephen Moyer, some Daily Mail readers are confused as to how that's all gonna work, making comments like "If she's bisexual why get married? Has she read the vows?"

Oftentimes, bisexuality is seen as the easier option - somehow more palatable and less extreme than fully fledged homosexuality. It's something you try in college, like braiding your hair or voting for the Green party. But bisexuals are also tarnished by a reputation for omnivorous promiscuity - as though they'll screw anything that moves, and still have a good go even if it's tied down.

The gay community isn't particularly sympathetic either - often believing that bi-people don't have the courage of their convictions. To some, bisexuality is like driving school - somewhere you go to practice before your full licence is issued.

Bisexuality is far from the easy option. There's no discernible 'identity' or culture to follow. And you'll be unfairly judged for the inability to commit to a relationship, simply because you choose not to commit to a single gender.

Woody Allen once said that "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." He's right, but it also doubles your chances of getting your heart broken.

Another pain in the neck

Oh dear, the Daily Mail is on the warpath again, and this time it's brandishing a sharpened stake and a vial of holy water. Always last to the party, the Mail has finally stumbled upon Alan Ball's innovative vampire soap True Blood, after the rest of the country has already watched the show, read the book, bought the DVD and even tried the tie-in juice drink.

In a hilariously old-fashioned article, columnist Olivia Lichtenstein laments this "shocking tale of depravity, explicit sexuality and vile language" which represents "Channel 4's latest attempt to seduce us". She's particularly distressed by the graphic sex scenes which she believes "border on the deviant", without ever spelling out what that means.

But this is the Daily Mail after all, spiritual home of the awkward euphamism. Lichtenstein even describes "a young woman pleasuring a young man" - leaving her readers none-the-wiser. Does this mean she's baking him a Victoria sponge or washing his car?

Having regaled her readers with the premise of the show, Lichtenstein switches her focus to the responsibility of the broadcasters. Apparently, airing the programme after the watershed isn't enough, since "tens of thousands of children under 16 are still watching TV".

According to her slightly skewed logic, a bunch of studies in the US (none of which she references) have shown that teens who see sex on TV are more likely to have sex themselves. However, she doesn't bother to make the point that sexually active kids who have been exposed to sex beforehand, might be better educated on the necessary precautions than those entering into sexual maturity in an educational vaccuum.

We may have a watershed in the UK, but that's not enough for the would-be book burners at the Mail, since content is readily accessible on the internet. And as Lichtenstein points out, parents can't always find the time to monitor their children's media consumption. It's not their fault of course, it's the "breakdown of the traditional family" that makes it so hard to supervise children.

But she has a plan: "I think it's high time we...should all think about how to protect the minds of the young before they become so desensitised that they regard as the norm behaviour which is, essentially, abnormal."

Ultimately, I can't help but feel a little sorry for Lichtenstein. After all, she was clearly born into the wrong era and even makes Mary Whitehouse sound like a party slut. She claims that she's open-minded, and yet she longs for the kind of sexual sobriety that only the Hays Code could love: "I am far from being a prude, but I find myself longing for the days when, in a movie, if a couple were kissing or lying on a bed, they had to keep one foot on the ground." Now that's abnormal.