Telling porkies about swine flu

Much as it pains me to be writing about Katie Price yet again, I felt it was necessary to acknowledge her latest brave battle.

This weekend the tabloids were beside themselves with worry about Katie's health as it was revealed that she was battling H1N1 (better known as Swine Flu). As it happens, anyone who bothered to read the story accompanying the library images of the orange goddess would have found a less than convincing case.

It turns out that the expert medical opinion responsible for diagnosing Katie with the life-threatening disease was actually Katie's spokeswoman. And the only symptom she could muster was some inflamation caused by treatment for a broken veneer.

This 'dental emergency' was the reason for Katie pulling a no-show at a book signing in Bournemouth to promote her new novel (sometimes it actually hurts to type this shit). Presumably a dodgy tooth would not have appeased the ravenous fans waiting for their latest literary treasure, and so the publicist resorted to the best excuse she could muster - the tabloids' favourite new virus. She told papers "I am a little worried that she may have swine flu. She has been feeling ill over the past couple of days and she is spending some time in bed today." It's remarkable, this woman is like Marie Curie with a BlackBerry.

At least Katie should be applauded for staying on brand, since she's managed to make a second career out of illness and misfortune. When she wasn't making regular mercy dashes to hospital every time Harvey fell in a bath or pulled a mirror off the wall, she was talking to the press about her cancer scare or Peter's viral meningitis.

Hopefully, her angry fans will forgive her for not bothering to show, given her latest brush with mortality. According to a bookshop employee, "There were loads of people who had turned up with some queueing inside the building and some outside in the rain. People were all disappointed." Just imagine how much worse their disappointment would have been if they'd actually got around to reading the book.

A prophecy fulfilled

When the Coen brothers released their masterpiece 'Fargo' back in 1996, the people of Minnesota were rather displeased with their portrayal. Those cheeky auteurs were accused of depicting Minnesotans as being rather dull-witted, folksy and agreeably unthreatening. As a consequence, this misinterpretation of the movie's intention has led to the perpetuation of these unfortunate stereotypes.

But then we have to consider Michele Bachmann, and the nine-toed dullards who saw fit to elect her to Congress. Maybe the view of Minnesota as a kind of magnetic north for stupid, isn't so far off. Last year the grinning Evangelical waded into the election season debate by imploring the news media to instigate a new era of McCarthyism, by rooting out liberal views which she deemed as 'unAmerican'.

Next up, she responded to (now President, despite her idiotic scare-mongering) Obama's cap-and-trade proposal for greenhouse emissions, by arguing that she she wanted Minnesotans "armed and dangerous" because "we need to fight back."

Michele's latest outburst relates to the Swine Flu outbreak, which currently has every news channel excitedly firing up its graphics department in an orgy of panic-inducing hyperbole. Her quote on the subject: "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

Aside from the fact that Gerald Ford was actually president at the time of the last outbreak, where's the coincidence she thinks she can see? Obama's presidency and swine flu are about as related as Michael Jackson is to his children.

That's Minnesotan logic for you. America elects an African American president and look what happens - Mexican pigs develop a chesty cough. Of course, it all makes perfect sense. Yah?