What not to do in an interview

Baggs is offering a 24/7 working week, by inventing a dog collar with GPS, so that your pets can be tracked when you're in Bermuda. Now he's telling his interviewer that he's a brand, and when pushed, softens that to "I think I might be". Oh, and he's a fish too. After last week's "field full of ponies" remark, it seems that he's working his way through the animal kingdom.

Joanna is now explaining what it means to own a cleaning company, making it sound like she just manages the rotas for a couple of Polish women. I know these segments are edited for highlights, but it basically looks like they walk in, get insulted, then walk out again. It's no wonder people are nervous about interviews if this is what the BBC wants people to believe about how the process works.

Stella's getting cross, having been told that she's "really just a very good PA". She grew up on Thamesmead, so the interviewer will be lucky if he leaves the room with both his knees intact.

Meanwhile, Joanna's admitting that there are people who "on paper, look a lot better than me". I'm sorry to be the one to break the news that the rule doesn't just apply on paper. Funnily enough, Lord Sugar is someone who does look good on paper. At least that's the only explanation I can think of to explain why a man was thrown out of Crawley Library last week for masturbating into a copy of Sugar's autobiography.

Oh dear, now Baggs' claim about being a fully licenced telecoms operator is being interrogated, in that it's complete bullshit. It probably didn't help matters that he stopped the interviewer mid-flow to ask him his name because he wasn't paying attention earlier.

He reckons he feels like he's "gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson". Now that's something I'd pay to view on Baggs' triple-play platform. Strangely, the experience doesn't seem to have dulled his confidence - "I don't think there's anyone out there like me..." he claims. There is, but only in repeats of The Office on Dave.

Now Alan's advisors are giving him the feedback, but it doesn't look like he's really paying attention. He keeps forgetting how to start his sentences. It's all carefully edited to keep the audiences guessing, like Paul and Stevie once sang, "there's good and bad, in everyone".

Margaret made a funny about Chris, suggesting that he sits at home masturbating over his academic certificates. Karren Brady's lips pursed at this, since she's obviously keen to invite the blue-eyed boy into her boardroom.

Now it's Stella's turn. They keep using words like 'solid' and 'dependable' to describe her, as though she's a golden labrador. They're a little put off by the fact that she's "wooden and corporate", but that's because she views personality as an unfortunate disability, like dyslexia.

Now it's Baggs-the-brand under the spotlight. Lots of positive comments - "he's a dreamer who doesn't sleep", but they're all concerned that he 'gilds the lily' a little too much. Which is a nice way of saying he lies through his teeth.

The candidates have now been invited back into the boardroom, where Chris' eyes are as sparkly blue as ever. It's funny that he always gets stick for being monotonous, when Stella sounds like air slowly leaking out of a bus tyre.

Best laugh of the week was hearing Lord Sugar describe his business as a "dynamic environment where we're starting new ventures from scratch." I'm sure the eleven people in the UK with an Amstrad email phone are eager to see what other great innovations Big Al has up his dynamic sleeves.

Stuart feels that the interviews were probing and hostile - just wait till he meets his adoring public. Lord Sugar has just told him that he's 'full of shit', making it officially the first sensible thing he's said all series. Now poor old Alan is feeling sick that he let lovely Liz go. Shock horror, Stuart was fired almost without any warning. Stuart's concerned that no-one has any understanding of "what he's really all about". Au contraire my lumpy-faced friend.

Having seen Stuart banished from the boardroom like an incontinent puppy, the other contestants are now churning out all the 'spearheading', 'rawness' and 'breaking barriers' cliches. It's all "speaking volumes" apparently. Joanna hasn't done enough, so she's next to go, and has given us some hot teary boardroom action.

Stella's through, Jamie's gone, and Chris is safe. Perhaps Lord Sugar is finally getting the hang of this hiring and firing nonsense.

More than one of you will be fired

It's time for everyone's favourite episode of The Apprentice. Sure, the advertising task is always good for a laugh, and last week's 'bag a bargain' episode was up to the concept's usual standard. But in terms of pure entertainment value, nothing can trump seeing our favourite characters put through their paces by Lord Sugar's bully-boy mates. And Margaret.

Like everything else in the show, it's not really grounded in any kind of reality, much like the contestants themselves. No-one in their right mind would conduct such an aggressively antagonistic interview. So consider it more a kind of karmic retribution; punishment for all those weeks of aggravation and irritation.

Suddenly, Lord Sugar's ridiculous decision to save Stuart Baggs ('the Brand') over large-eyed ingenue Liz Locke makes a little more sense. It's always best to save the most hateful candidate for the episode when they're torn apart like supporting characters in a Saw sequel.

Time for a quick check in with the five remaining hopeless hopefuls. Joanna claims that she's so much more than "...just a cleaner from Leicester". It remains to be seen what else she is. Jamie is dressed in a cheap suit and a red tie, whereas Chris is proud to look like John Major.

Stuart has got off to a great start, announcing "You've gotta show you've got the balls, and the minerals to do it." He obviously sees himself as cubic zirconia in the the rough. In typically arrogant style, he also announces that "Lord Sugar said he saw a little bit of himself in me." Funnily enough, so do I. But it's the tip of my left foot.

The interviews don't appear to be going well for Stuart - he went into a room to find Margaret Mountford making a special guest appearance. "Hello Margaret" he declared, to be met with that famous eyeroll, as she asked whether he'd typically greet an unknown interviewer on first name terms. Actually, I would, but Madge appears to be more comfortable with Miss Moutford. Pissy cow.

Joanna has breezed straight into her first interview unable to answer any questions about Lord Sugar's businesses. This comes up every single year, and yet time and time again the candidates don't even check Wikipedia to see which bits of his 'business empire' he's had to shave off and sell. "He sells computers and stuff" was her highly professional answer. I've never seen someone attempt to swallow their own face in shame before. That's one to tick off the bucket list.

Chris believes that he's a nationally revered scholar because he did well at his A-levels. Margaret's blue eyes glinted with delight at this, like a housecat spotting a mouse with a broken back.