See me after class

Whereas some TV chefs are happy to use their onscreen time to promote cryogenics or practice their bullying techniques, Jamie Oliver is on a mission to make us a more caring, sharing society. And sell a few hundred thousand recipe books in the process.

Having already shamed the UK's dinner ladies into throwing out the Spam fritters and getting to grips with hummus and crudities, he's now attempting to overhaul the entire educational system. His latest series, Jamie's Dream School, sees the fat-tongued pan-rattler attempting to inspire a bunch of young drop-outs by sending them to a school filled with celebrity teachers.

Not everyone's impressed with Jamie's lofty ambitions to show Michael Gove how to implement educational innovation. Conservative critics are outraged at the fact that one edition of the new shows "features two teenage boys being asked to produce sperm samples". Maybe they thought he was trying out a more economical recipe for Crème anglaise?

Actually, the exercise was part of a lesson by Professor Robert Winston, fertility expert and owner of the finest moustache outside of an Asterix cartoon. Attempting to engage the troubled teens in a science lesson, Winston asked the boys to generate a sperm sample to be studied under a microscope, alongside samples from horses and pigs.

To be fair, the boys weren't expected to rustle up a batch during the lesson, which suggests that Jamie's school is more civilised than most state-run comprehensives. Defending his progressive lesson plan, Winston commented: "Every scientist, if he is good at his job will have experimented on his own body at some point... Instantly kids of both sexes were very excited." Not least the ones with special dispensation to visit the bathroom with a petri dish.

As the controversy over the programme erupted, a Channel 4 source pointed out that "viewers would not see the samples being collected". As though such clarification was actually necessary. Furthermore, "Written consent was given by the parents of the boys providing samples. All of the students were happy with the lesson and found it enlightening." Well, it certainly beats trying to knock one out in a geography lesson without the desk shaking.

Censorship tub-thumpers Mediawatch UK are already on the warpath about the show, which is yet to air. Spokesman David Turtle claims, "from our point of view it’s condoning a form of behaviour in a classroom situation. If you’re going to have a proper discussion about reproduction and sexuality you don’t do it like this." Turtle would prefer that the kids be given forty lashes and told they're going to burn in hell if they touch themselves.

The perpetually outraged ex-politician Ann Widdecombe has also been approached for her utterly predictable response, adding "I think it’s hugely distasteful. I am amazed Channel 4 are letting it go out. It is horrible. It’s yet another step towards the road that there is no limit to what you can put on television these days." Having witnessed her being dragged around a dancefloor in a variety of unbecoming ballgowns, I second her opinion that there's a limit to the indignities which should be visited upon unsuspecting viewers.

Hopefully, Jamie's new show will re-engage a disillusioned generation in the power of inspirational learning. If nothing else, there's always the homework to look forward to.

Poetic justice?

Who says God doesn't have a sense of humour?  In fact the BBC needs to stop looking for a replacement for Jason Manford on The One Show - they should just rope in Yahweh. Not only is he a comedy genius, he probably won't get caught wanking at people on Skype.

Yesterday, the big guy showed his true colours with an astonishingly perfect piece of comic timing. Just as millions of American turkeys were having their body cavities stuffed full of bread and seasoning, he decided to call home the man who has been terrorising the avian species for almost sixty years.

It was Thanksgiving, which meant that one turkey got the official pardon from President Obama. Meanwhile, over in Norfolk, Britain's most prolific turkey murderer wasn't quite so lucky. The irony couldn't be more delicious if it was rolled in a crispy crumb batter and deep friend until golden brown.

Bernard Matthews was a national institution, responsible for switching the entire nation onto it's new third favourite white meat. In the process he transformed agribusiness, invented the concept of the cheap mid-week roast and proved that it was possible to spearhead an advertising campaign with no media training whatsoever.

Several generations grew up watching him celebrate his 'bootiful' birds on TV, torturing those vowels the same way he did his feathered friends. And who didn't enjoy a delicious roll of turkey meat on a Wednesday evening, marvelling at how half a pound of salt could make even the most bland and flavourless meat seem delicious?

Bernard's contribution to British life can't be underestimated. His company currently employs over 2,000 people in an area which, lets be honest, probably doesn't boast an abundance of career opportunities. And his success enabled him to transform many of the outdated processes involved in large-scale farming.

Tributes have already been paid to the patron saint of poultry farmers, with the CEO of his company stating "He is the man who effectively put turkey on the plates of everyday working families and in so doing became one of the largest employers in rural East Anglia and a major supporter of the local farming community."

Not everyone's sad to see him go though. Andrew Tyrer, of Animal Aid, turned out in his best grave-dancing shoes to say: "Bernard Matthews has left an appalling and brutal legacy of turning turkeys into denatured units of production … It is time to abandon everything he stood for."

And given his long-running campaign to have the Turkey Twizzler (Hmm, maybe kids would enjoy turkey meat if it was stuffed full of MSG and shaped to look like a pig's tail?), I don't suppose Jamie Oliver will be sending flowers to Great Witchingham.

It's just unfortunate that, for all his innovation and industriousness, Bernard is now likely to remembered as the punchline to a joke about the day the turkeys got their revenge. Then again, he always did enjoy a good roast.

On your way to five

The dinnerladies of America had better watch out. After transforming British school dinners (and in the process driving several mums to poke Dairylea Munchables through the school gates), Jamie Oliver is now attempting to save the morbidly obese youth of the USA.

He's certainly got his work cut out for him, given that two thirds of the US are overweight. And the other third are just plain massive. Jamie's hoping that he can relieve the pressure on the Land of the Free's collective arteries, and maybe entice them away from a life of elasticated waistbands.

Of course, this isn't a one-man mission to save America, it's also a TV show. So the papers have been filled with PR for the show, revelling in photos of saggy arses, downcast rednecks and burgers the size of a Renault Clio. The latest story devised to promote the show focuses on the challenges Jamie faces when attempting to overhaul the school menu.

Visiting the high school in Huntington, America's fattest city, Jamie was disheartened to see his chicken noodle dish rejected by Rhonda McCoy, Director of Food Services. In its place, Rhonda recommended that the kids be given French fries, since Jamie's meal didn't contain the requisite amount of vegetables.

Although Jamie was happy that Rhonda had given him access to the school kitchens, he criticised her for "doing her job which is protecting these rubbish guidelines". Which is a little unfair, given that isn't just the judgement of one ill-informed school official.

If Jamie had been following US politics, he would know that the US Department of Agriculture changed its rulings back in 2003 to reclassify frozen French fries as a 'fresh vegetable'. Thanks to the sterling efforts of the Frozen Potato Products Institute, the fast food industry was able to reclaim its rightful place in a healthy, varied diet.

It was really just a matter of time, given Ronald Reagan's embarassing u-turn a couple of decades earlier over everyone's favourite condiment. Back in 1981, the USDA proposed a directive designed to reclassify ketchup and pickle relish as vegetables so that public schools could serve cheaper lunches. Thanks to the journalists at Newsweek, who ridiculed the proposal mercilessly, the policy was never implemented - but it did grow into something of an urban legend.

Jamie's programme is all about education - teaching people how to shop for, and cook with, fresh ingredients. But if he really wants to change the world, he needs to educate people about the decisions that are made in the corridors of power. Where powerful corporate interests are seen as more valuable than the lives and wellbeing of the nation's youth.

As the old Chinese proverb says, "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man that Scampi-flavour NikNaks are made with fresh fish, and his kids will end up riding mobility scooters to school." Or something like that.