I know you are but what am I?

As a graduate of the 'Black Kettle' school of name-calling, Katie Price knows a thing or two about condemning other people for her own shortcomings. At least this time it seems she's learned a new word - parasite. Perhaps someone left the National Geographic channel on over the Christmas break.

The target of Katie's wintry discontent is glamour model Chelsea White, which sounds more like an Essex nightclub than someone's name. Chelsea was a guest at Katie's lavish New Year's bash and made the mistake of sharing some badly filmed footage of the event on the internet.

Wheareas most people would simply be embarrassed by how dull the party appeared to be, Katie is furious that she's been 'scooped' in her own house. As with everything else in her life, the party was being covered exclusively by the camera crew for her woeful unreality show. That meant the guests had to sign a confidentiality agreement, as well as a pact with the devil, in order to attend. And it looks like Chelsea broke the contract by releasing the footage.

It's not the first time Katie has appeared in bootleg footage on the internet. Funnily enough, Dane Bowers was in that one too - well, his toe was anyway. Although if he really wanted to keep his feet warm, he should just have asked for some socks for Christmas.

Taking to Twitter for another one of her famously eloquent monologues, the Ned Sherrin of ITV2 wrote "NEVER trust chelseawhite.co.uk as a friend she is disloyal cant be trusted shes [sic] a grass she will make a quick buck off anyone a parasite." Katie's fierce moral code prevents her from approving of anyone who makes money through exploitative or manipulative means.

In fact, her boyfriend is in for a shock when he gets out of the Celebrity Big Brother compound because she's not happy with him either. Despite looking like a model of Daniel Craig built out of Duplo, he seems like a nice enough guy, but Katie has decided that he's not playing by her rules: “He’s living off my fame in there. He’s only famous because he’s with me anyway. He’s doing the exact opposite of what I told him to do! I can’t believe it.”

Is anyone else wishing she'd just put a sock in it? Or at least a foot...

Lock the doors and burn the place down

Say 'hello' to Sisqo, who managed to shift six million copies of his debut album off the back of a really annoying novelty record. Who's next for the house, Bob the Builder, Mr Blobby? He's come through the double doors and launched into a live performance of The Thong Song, which sounds as annoying today as it did back in 2000. That's timeless entertainment for you. He's looking forward to seeing some beautiful ladies - I do wish rappers would learn to assert their heterosexuality a little more. But then again, perhaps he needs to after lisping "I'm a little taller when I thtand on my wallet."

Here's another notch on Jordan's bedpost (which by now has been whittled down to a toothpick) - Dane Bowers. She looms over this series like a pair of mahogany zeppelins. Perhaps Dwight, Gareth and Peter are waiting behind the double doors? He's also working on a cage-fighting movie, so he and Alex will have lots to talk about. He's also denied their New Year scuffle, suggesting that Jordan is still happy to phone the papers and say any old shit in the hopes of scoring another cover story.

If you put Pete Burns and Chrissie Hynde into a blender, then scraped the pulp onto a slice of granary toast, you'd have Heidi Fleiss. She's a Hollywood madam who, according to Davina, worked in the "illegal prostitute business" (as opposed to the legal alternative?) and now works with a another bunch of dogs in Nevada. The word 'grim' seems somehow insufficient. She has sparkly cowboy boots. Stephen Baldwin greeted her with "It's been a long time" giving us more insight into his life BC.