There's no smoke without ire

The phrase 'be careful what you wish for' has never been more apt. Quick-tempered right wingers have spent the last few years, both here and in the States, attempting to demonise Islam as a religion of terrorists and radicals. On both sides of the pond reactionary rhetoric has been cleverly composed to manipulate the populace into a position of fear and intolerance.

The most recent hot-button issue has been the announcement of plans to build a mosque at 'Ground Zero' - interpreted by certain news organisations and commentators as an opportunity to dance on the graves of the 3,000+ people who lost their lives on 9/11.

A wide variety of politicians and pundits have been quick to add their voices to the mix, usually taking the stance that the concept of 'freedom of religion' was never meant to include Muslims. There have been a number of protests - with one Muslim cab-driver even being stabbed in New York. Ironically, his attacker was later identified as a "volunteer with a nonprofit organization that works to promote cross-cultural understanding." I guess they need to work a bit harder at that.

But the anti-Muslim sentiment reached its nadir last week when the Pastor of a little-known church in Florida announced his plans to organise an international 'Quran Burning Day'. Despite arguing that he's not a bigot, Terry Jones, head of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, intends to burn a pile of Islamic holy books on the anniversary of 9/11. He told the press, who were quick to pick up the story, "It's something that we feel we need to do. It's a message that we feel we need to send."

But there's a silver lining to the cloud of acrid smoke that will gather in the skies over Gainesville on Saturday. Key Republican mouthpieces, who have previously been keen to stoke the fires of anti-Islamic sentiment, have spoken out against the pastor's plans, seemingly horrified by the antagonism they've helped to create.

Fox New lunatic Glenn Beck and photogenic brain-donor Sarah Palin have both written eloquently (the latter, likely using a ghost-writer who understands basic sentence construction) about the fact that burning religious books is 'antithetical' to American ideals. Sure, freedom of speech might entitle people to demonstrate their displeasure, but that doesn't make it acceptable or appropriate.

Even more comforting, is the fact that Tennessee Pastor Steve Stone is doing his bit to open minds and hearts in his (red) neck of the woods. When he heard 18 months ago that a new Islamic Center (American news source, American spelling) was opening in Memphis, he was quick to post a sign that read "Heartsong Church welcomes Memphis Islamic Center to the neighborhood."

The local Muslim community were apparently overwhelmed by this welcoming gesture, and as a result a thriving interfaith network has been forged between the two constituencies. Stone and his counterpart Dr. Bashar Shala have even appeared on news shows together to talk about their mutually respectful relationship.

Stone recently blogged that "The majority of the response both locally, nationally and internationally has been positive and affirming. And honestly, that has been both surprising and heartening to me. My guess would be that 90+% have responded that way."

Whether it's God at work, or simply the natural order of things, it's comforting to see that the universe has a way of correcting itself. The appeal of extremism (on either side) tends to be fairly short-lived.

Suck it up

Spare a thought for poor Jennifer Keeton, a student at Augusta State University, who may soon be packing up her 'Hello Kitty' pencil case and heading home without any qualifications. She's been kicking up a stink about the faculty's insistence that she take a remedial course in order to complete her studies, arguing that her First Amendment rights had been violated.

The problem is, Jennifer wasn't flunking her classes, she was insisting that she knew better. She was objecting to the fact that the counselor education program in which she'd enrolled was expecting her to give moral support and encouragement to gay service users.

As a committed Christian, Jennifer believes that homosexuality "is morally wrong" and would work to help clients "change that behavior." Unsurprisingly, the university took exception to her judgmental position, arguing that it affected her ability to offer emotional guidance, and recommended that she attended a 'remediation program' that would "address issues of multicultural competence and develop understanding and empathy." The evil bastards.

But Jennifer's not as stupid as she looks (which, admittedly, would be pretty tough) so she did what any beleaguered bigot would do - she called in the big guns to generate some publicity and defend her honour. The Alliance Defence Fund, a Christian legal defense organisation, saw their chance to create another Carrie Prejean - a media-friendly, pretty blonde poster-child for Church-going America to rally behind.

They were quick to mobilise their forces, with Keeton batting her heavily-lined eyes at the press and claiming religious persectution: "The school counseling faculty has decided that my views are not acceptable for me or to share with other students. They have required a remediation plan in which the end result would be me altering my beliefs or being dismissed from the program."

The careful wording of this voluntary victimhood approach ensured that Jennifer's media profile rocketed, as news organisations investigated the story in an attempt to uncover an anti-religious conspiracy.

Thankfully, in a rare case of common sense trumping media spin, a federal court yesterday ruled that the university's stance was 'academically legitimate' - which is a fancy way of saying that a counsellor is supposed to nurture and assist, not sit in judgment.

U.S. District Judge Randal Hall found that the university was not punishing Keeton for her religious views, but was instead attempting to teach her how to counsel without imposing her own views on her clients. Imagine that - an education establishment attempting to educate.

Like Islington registrar Lillian Ladele, who refused to officiate at same-sex civil partnerships, Keeton needs to understand that there's a point where it comes down to the ability to do the job. Moral objections are all well and good, until they get in the way of performing the basic functions of the role.

Perhaps she also needs to see a counsellor - ideally one who can advise on a more appropriate line of work. Let's just hope that they don't pre-judge her as an unemployable idiot.

When strippers fight back

Wherever you go in the States, you can pretty much bet that, if someone's having fun, there's a bunch of humourless Bible-waving fundamentalists standing outside, condemning everybody to hell.

Gay weddings, Pride parades, strip clubs - all are sinful in the eyes of the Lord. So instead of letting people enjoy themselves consensually and using their time in a more constructive manner (making patchwork blankets or having a hog-roast over a bonfire of Harry Potter books) - these people spend their days holding home-made (and often grammatically incorrect) placards over their heads.

In Ohio, the New Beginnings Ministry is particularly incensed by the existence of the Foxhole Club, a local strip joint. Led by Pastor Bill Dunfee, members of the church regularly congregate outside to protest the slack morals (and everything else) of the clubs employees and patrons.

As if protesting wasn't enough, Dunfee and his followers bring along bullhorns and cameras, even taking pictures of customers' cars and posting them on the church's website.

But hell hath no fury like a stripper scorned - as Dunfee's flock found out when they rocked up at church last Sunday. They were treated to the sight of a bunch of strippers in their 'work wear' brandishing signs of their own, featuring quotes such as "Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep's clothing" and "If Pastor Bill is my ticket to HEAVEN, I’d rather be in HELL with my FRIENDS."

Given the fire and brimstone being preached inside, the women's choice of skimpy outfits was probably appropriate, even if the churchgoers were unsurprisingly disapproving. Thankfully, the girls from the Foxhole are stout-hearted enough to know that, when faced with disapproving glances, it's best to turn the other cheek. Or both of them, for that matter.

Biting back

Is it just me, or does it seem as though vampires are taking over the world?

For a start, there's the Twilight series, which has singlehandedly turned a bunch of blue-balled Emo teenagers into the world's most bankable box office stars. Forget about the Lost Boys, who wanted to sleep all day and party all night. The Twilight set prefer to fix motorbikes and write bad poetry. Rock and roll.

At least there's a little more variety on TV. If you prefer your vamps with a side order of angst, you can sink your teeth into The Vampire Diaries, with its 'Dracula's Creek' take on small town teen drama. Alternatively, if you like your entertainment a little more 'adult', you could try True Blood, which uses vampirism as a one-stop-metaphor-shop for sexuality, drug abuse and racism.

With the genre springing back into afterlife, it's nice to see one of its most famous advocates in the public eye again. When she first published 'Interview With The Vampire' Anne Rice was singlehandedly responsible for resurrecting a long-dead archetype - the sexually ambivalent gothic antihero.

Although her prose is stodgy and cold (think 'Hammer Horror' but with a screenplay by Dame Barbara Cartland) the ongoing adventures of Lestat and co have won her millions of followers - although you'd never guess by looking at her, since she insists on dressing like a frustrated turn-of-the-century librarian.

Originally inventing the tortured Louis and his surrogate child Claudia to express her grief over the death of her own daughter, Rice's novels explored the duality of unholy monsters struggling with their own morality. Real laugh-a-minute stuff. And in much the same way that her troubled characters spend eternity searching for meaning in their existence, Anne has also had her own struggles.

Plagued with ill health, she's often turned to Catholicism to get her through, but she's battled to reconcile her liberal sensibilities with the church's hardline approach. Now, it seems that something has finaly snapped, and she's turned her back on Christianity once and for all.

Writing on Facebook today, Anne declared "Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being “Christian” or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.”

Were it not for the explicitly political motivation on display, this would be precisely the kind of declaration that one of her characters might make, shortly before chomping on a carriage full of comely courtesans. But then, Anne has always understood, better than most, the vicarious appeal of the creatures of the night. It's not just their sensuality and decadence that appeals - it's the fact that they have the ability to pick and choose which societal conventions they want to keep, and which to discard.

I'm sure the Catholic church will be unfazed by Anne's announcement - they've had more vocal critics on their back recently. Still, it wouldn't hurt for them to sleep with a crucifix in hand. You know, just in case...

I'm not gay, I just look, talk, dress and swish that way...

The ex-gay movement is a depressingly familiar fixture on the interweb, with videos, testimonials and conversion guides regularly popping up to encourage homosexuals to reject their hedonistic lifestyle and embrace the all-condemning judgement of Jesus.

I'm all for freedom of choice, so if people want to live a solitary life of self-loathing and furtive, angry masturbation, I say "good luck to them". The biggest problem I have with the concept is that not one of the advocates of this biblically-enhanced brainwashing has ever proven that homosexuality can be cured.

Sure, with the right amount of coercion and guilt, you can force someone to turn their back (figuratively, of course) on that side of their life. But it doesn't take the gay away, it just buries it under a pile of dirty laundry. Sooner or later, that teal chemise is going to be hanging back on the line for all to see.

The latest proponent of this ridiculous 'reclamation' rhetoric is Adam Hood, a man so swishy he could actually be used to harness wind power. He features in a hilariously ill-advised video on YouTube wearing a sparkly gold ascot that John Humphrys would have thought twice about.

Hissing his way through more 'S's than a cartoon snake, he dramatically proclaims his views on the abomination of homosexuality and rejoices in his rebirth. Sadly, his argument is undermined by the fact that he seems incapable of constructing a sentence without betraying how he really feels.

He talks about how God lays down his judgement, claiming "God can do it in a gracious loving way, he can also do it by cracking a whip…" and remembering a time when "I saw myself outside of myself in a cage…" giving viewers some idea of the lifestyle he enjoyed when he was a prominent party boy on the San Francisco scene.

It also doesn't help that his hissy speech patterns make it sound like he's saying something very different when he adds "I always pray over the homosexual community..." Better bring an umbrella when Adam's in town.

There's a longer video online, if you can handle even more sparkly insanity, in which Adam fondly remembers his 'heterosexual' wedding night. He proudly recalls the moment he deflowered his bride, screaming Jesus' name at the point of orgasm. Because every woman wants to hear the name of the pool-boy when her husband climaxes.

He may consider himself cured, but everything about his frame of reference suggests that homosexuality is never far from his mind, or other parts of his anatomy for that matter. The moral of the story here is that, despite what we've been told, it's fundamentalism that's a lifestyle choice.

Laying down the Laws

I'd like to introduce you to my new hero, Lord Justice Laws. Despite looking like Elton John (albeit with a slightly more convincing wig), the man speaks common sense, and has no problem ruffling the Daily Mail's feathers.

In the High Court today, he ruled against Gary McFarlane, who was appealing the decision of an earlier tribunal which had dismissed his claims of religious discrimination. McFarlane had been sacked for refusing to work with same-sex couples in his capacity as a therapist.

Whilst he had no problem helping straight couples overcome their issues with sexual intimacy, he drew the line at encouraging gays to light the scented candles and practice their sensual touching. Because that went against his religious beliefs.

Lord Justice Law threw out McFarlane's case, stating that "We do not live in a society where all the people share uniform religious beliefs. The precepts of any one religion - any belief system - cannot, by force of their religious origins, sound any louder in the general law than the precepts of any other... The individual conscience is free to accept such dictated law, but the State, if its people are to be free, has the burdensome duty of thinking for itself."

Sadly, logic and organised religion are all-too-often mutually exclusive. Which is probably why former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey, weighed in on the debate, appealing for "a specially constituted panel of judges with a 'proven sensitivity and understanding of religious issues' to hear the case."

Carey feels that recent court decisions involving Christians had used "dangerous" reasoning, which might lead to civil unrest, arguing “The description of religious faith in relation to sexual ethics as ‘discriminatory’ is crude and illuminates a lack of sensitivity to religious belief.”

The problem is, McFarlane worked as a sexual therapist. Applying a highly subjective Biblically-inspired 'code of ethics' to this kind of a role is an attempt to legitimise intolerance.

So we should all be thankful that Laws put the needs of society above the personal preferences of any special interest groups. He said "In a free constitution such as ours there is an important distinction to be drawn between the law's protection of the right to hold and express a belief and the law's protection of that belief's substance or content."

Science has yet to isolate the cause of homosexuality - even confocal microscopy isn't sophisticated enough to identify the leather-clad gay gene. But it's generally agreed that same-sex attraction is biologically ingrained, rather than the result of one too many mojitos. Religious belief, on the other hand, is most definitely a lifestyle choice.

When Good News goes bad

Here's something that you probably won't find in Stuff magazine any time soon - a solar-powered Bible.

Although it sounds like a new punchline to the old idiom about uselessness (who even uses fireguards anymore?), it's actually a real thing. And the lucky people of Haiti now have one less item to stick on their Christmas list.

If you've been touched by the plight of the Haitians in the aftermath of the Earthquake, you may have felt compelled to donate money and help out in some small way. After all, if it's good enough for Saint Angelina...

But you have to question the logic of Faith Comes By Hearing, a charity based in New Mexico, which has decided that what the people of Haiti need most, is a solar-powered audiobook which can blast the word of God (in Haitian Creole no less) to crowds of 300 at a time.

In the words of 71-year old quake survivor Jacqueline Thermiti, "Of all the wars and revolutions and hurricanes, this quake is the worst thing God has ever sent us." Not quite, wait till she gets her care package from New Mexico.

Try to imagine it - you've lost all your worldly possessions and are relying on a mound of dead relatives to stave off the hungry rats. Wouldn't you prefer that any available money be spent on things like shelter, drinkable water and maybe some food?

Given that insurance companies are happy to lay the blame for earthquakes at the big guy's door, it's bitterly ironic that, according to FCBH, these audio Bibles "offer hope and comfort that comes from knowing God has not forgotten them through this tragedy."

Maybe they're just regular guys who can't resist a shiny new gadget. Perhaps they've got a whole cupboard full of wind-up mobile phone chargers, dancing flowerpots and plasma globes that seemed like a good idea at the time. After all, who could resist something that's "self-powered and can play the Bible in the jungle, desert or ... even on the moon!" Space gadgets - I'll take fifty!

As with all good Bible stories, there's a moral here. If you want to do your bit to help the poor and disenfranchised, try to pick a charity that doesn't come with strings attached. Giving with an agenda isn't really giving at all.