Don't panic - nothing to see here

A good gossip story used to take weeks to surface. Now the whole scandal can be posted, shared, denied and forgotten in about as much time as it takes to close the Norton pop-up telling you your virus software has expired.

This is David Archuleta, the ever-grinning runner-up from American Idol's seventh season. With his softly soulful voice and family-friendly Mormon upbringing, he's like a less-threatening version of Zac Efron.

He's been in the news this week because he was spotted at a New York gay club on Saturday and didn't want his young fans to get 'the wrong idea'. As soon as the story broke, he took to Twitter to post a frantic series of messages denouncing his choice of venue and claiming he was only there to see his friend Charice perform.

Unwittingly dissing the lifestyle of much of his fanbase, Archuleta tweeted "Mental note to self: always ask where before you go! Wasn't my kind of place lol, and I had no clue! I guess you live and learn. Been seeing some of the tweets.. sheesh! Can get crazy quick. NO worries all, I wouldn't get into things like that intentionally haha. Hope you guys have a good Sunday!"

Being a gay runner-up on Idol can go either way. Adam Lambert may have triumphed over red state small-mindedness, but Clay Aiken was dropped faster than a pair of leatherette disco shorts when he revealed his sexuality to his fans. So it's understandable that David would want to distance himself from those rumours.

But sensing that maybe he'd been a little too vociferous, he took to Twitter once again to retract his rebuttals and downplay his disgust: "I have friends who are gay, and they're great people. Whether they're gay or not doesn't change how I think of them. I have nothing against anyone, I'm sorry if that's how it came across. I'm just not into the partying scene lol."

But no-one's LOL'ing. The homophobic haters have nothing to pin on him, gossip columnists have a perfectly reasonable alibi, and the gays can't even get riled by the fact that he doth protest too much.

Mental note to self - Twitter is killing the art of celebrity tittle-tattle. Come back Katie and Peter, your people need you.

For your entertainment, or not

Pop quiz hotshot. What's worse - love for men or violence against women? If you're having to think about the answer you're probably reading the wrong blog. Maybe you should try Richard Littlejohn instead. Still here? Good, then I'll continue.

Over in the States there's been a big kerfuffle this last week thanks to Adam Lambert's 'shocking' performance at the American Music Awards. On the eve of his debut album's release he treated TV audiences to a performance that looked more like an out-take from Showgirls. It was all girls in leathers, boys on leashes and more faux-rock posturing than the national Air Guitar championships.

In amongst all the PG-rated depravity, Glambert stuck his crotch in the face of a male dancer and then sucked face with his male keyboard-player. Shocking stuff? Maybe if this was 1983 or the launch of a Billy Graham book tour. But in the world of modern world of rock 'n' roll it was about as edgy as a low-fat bran muffin.

Unfortunately, this is the US we're talking about. And even though Adam's performance aired at 10.45pm, disturbed viewers were soon clogging the phone-lines to register their disgust at Adam's gayness.

In total, 1,500 complaints were made, along with statements made by people like the ironically named 'Liberty Counsel' who argued that "ABC should have to pay a hefty penalty to the FCC for assaulting its viewers with a debased performance." Nothing says liberty like censorship and retribution.

Worse was still to come for the lambasted Lambert, as he was promptly disinvited by the producers of Good Morning America. Understandably concerned that Adam may start rubbing himself all over the weatherman, they ditched him from their line-up claiming he was an "unpredictable performer" - as though that could be anything but a good quality in a rock star.

Adam's response was right on the money shot: “I think that there’s a double standard going on in the entertainment community right now. Female performers have been doing this for years — pushing the envelope about sexuality — and the minute a man does it, everybody freaks out."

Making matters worse, however, was GMA's decision to replace Adam Lambert (whose only crimes are a falsetto that can worry dogs and a skip full of used mascara brushes) with Chris Brown. In the eyes of network television executives, domestic violence is much more acceptable than some light leather-clad frottage. Now that's really 'distasteful'.

The sliding scale of gay

Some people are never happy. After years spent bemoaning the lack of out gay pop stars, we finally get one and all anyone can do is bitch about it. 

Tomorrow sees the release of 'For Your Entertainment', the long-awaited debut CD by American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert. In the build up to the album's proud unveiling, Adam's guy-lined face has been everywhere in the US, including the cover of Out Magazine as part of their 'Class of 2009'. 

But although they were happy to help maintain Adam's profile with a front-cover portrait, the editor of Out had a bone to pick with the fledgling star's management. Writing an open letter to Adam, Editor in Chief Aaron Hicklin expresses dismay that Adam's record label and management are limiting his self-expression.

Writing about Adam's appearance on the cover alongside Cyndi Lauper (amongst others), Hicklin comments "It’s only because this cover is a group shot that includes a straight woman that your team would allow you to be photographed at all—albeit with the caveat that we must avoid making you look 'too gay'."

To show that there's no ill-will towards Adam himself, Hicklin congratulates him on being "a pioneer, an out gay pop idol at the start of his career", but cautions that "we just hope it’s a path that’s honest and true and that you choose to surround yourself with people who celebrate your individuality." It's all so well-meaning that it gives you a case of the warm fuzzies. 

Except that there's a fundamental flaw in Hicklin's logic. After all, Adam's first big post-Idol interview was a cover story with Rolling Stone where he publicly declared his sexuality. Given that 19 Management will have been the ones who lined up that exclusive, they can hardly be accused of downplaying their new star's sexuality.

And then there's the album cover itself. 

When it was first revealed a couple of months ago, the internet practically imploded as commentators rushed to condemn the airbrushed abomination as the gayest thing in the entire world. Not only does it seem to have been painted directly onto crushed velvet, Adam looks as though he'd be right at home hosting bingo night in the Black Cap. There's so much early eighties androgyny on show here, even Pete Burns would think twice before putting his name to it. 

If Adam's management are concerned that he not look "too gay" in Out Magazine, they must have been asleep on the job when this beauty got the all-clear. But then again, what does "too gay" even mean? Similarly, would Hicklin and his team have preferred Adam to look more gay on the cover of their magazine? Perhaps they were hoping that he'd recreate a classic Mapplethorpe (NSFW!).

When it comes to sexuality, there's no such thing as too much or not enough. It simply is what it is. Adam's openness and unapologetic attitude is exactly what the music world needs. It shouldn't matter whether he's wearing a three-piece suit or Cher's hand-me-downs. 

Hicklin complains of an 'apartheid' that separates gay magazines from more mainstream media, but what about the prejudice that a gay artist should constantly have to wear their sexuality on their immaculately-tailored unisex sleeve?

It's the end of the world as we know it...

Excitement is currently building over in the US about the imminent release of the debut CD from this year's American Idol winner. When I say winner, I don't mean the guy who actually got to yell the winner's song while being shot in the face by a glitter cannon. I'm referring to Adam Lambert, the runner-up who has successfully managed to leverage his time on the ratings juggernaut into what could be a genuinely exciting career.

Admittedly, things didn't get off to the best start. As well as losing in the final of the long-running talent show, he was forced to dress like a Borg fan at Comic-Con to perform alongside Kiss, and won the approval of Brian May, a man who is to cool what Simon Cowell is to hipsters.

Since then, Glambert (as his imaginative fans have Christened him) has been on the cover of Rolling Stone, for an interview in which he spoke openly about his homosexuality, and recording with the likes of uberproducer RedOne and Lady GaGa. He's already popular enough to have his own stalker, and be pelted on stage with dildos by overexcited female fans, who at least wanted to give him something he could use.

The music industry is waiting with baited breath to see what the world makes of one of its first 'out' young artists, especially one who is proudly provocactive (rather than creepily asexual, like fellow Idol also-ran Clay Aiken). When the latter finally crept out of the closet last September after years of denial, his fans deserted him overnight, suggesting that America just wasn't ready for a gay pop star.

Confusing things further, Adam has also posed for a teasingly ambisexual series of poses for Details magazine, alongside a semi-naked female model. Perhaps understanding that, even when the truth is 'out' there, it's good to keep them guessing, Adam teased in the accompanying interview "I like kissing women sometimes. Women are pretty. It doesn't mean I'm necessarily sleeping with them."

After all the interviews, photoshoots and tour appearances, we're now finally able to judge what Adam sounds like as a recording artist, with the release of 'Time For Miracles' from the soundtrack of forthcoming megapocalypse movie 2012. The song itself is so overblown that it makes Aerosmith's 'Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' sound like a Elmo singing a lullaby, but it's sure to be a big hit, since the video crams in enough end-of-the-world footage that viewers won't actually need to see the film.

The best thing about all this, is seeing a prophecy fulfilled. Not the Mayan predictions which give 2012 its basic plot, but the fire and brimstone attitudes expressed by some ultra-right-wing nutjobs in the US, at the prospect of a victorious gay idol. Seeing Adam stride moodily through the artfully arranged destruction as the sky falls around him, it would appear that dreams really do come true.

Time For Miracles

Adam Lambert | MySpace Video

Gay is the word

Whatever happened to the love that dare not speak its name? These days, people can speak of little else. It's big news in the States at the moment, since this week's shock American Idol result. In case you haven't been following it, the final saw gay Adam Lambert square off against missionary Kris, only for Kris' red-state, Bible-thumping, down-home fans to roll up their sleeves and defeat the man who was pretty much declared winner on the first live show. The morning-after press conference saw Adam agree that his 'sexuality' (without ever explicitly confirming what 'it' is) probably cost him the vote, but he didn't seem to be harbouring any sour grapes. However, that didn't stop another gay runner-up, Clay Aiken, from rushing in to criticise Adam's performances, only to then apologise a few hours later.

Meanwhile, over on another reality talent show, Nigel Lythgoe (once described by Charlie Brooker as looking like 'Eric Idle watching a dog drown') has been kicking up a brouhaha as well. Following in the well-trodden footsteps of Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell (whose painful 'gay panic' banter is now as much a staple of every show as the performance recaps) Nigel felt the need to make an issue out of the sexuality of two male contestants on So You Think You Can Dance. Having expressed discomfort at the way in which the men danced together, Nigel then took to Twitter to comment further: "The same-sex ballroom guys did remind me of Blades of Glory. However, I'm not a fan of Brokeback ballroom." Thanks Nigel, you transparent-skinned, yellow-toothed ghoul.

And then there's Jonathan Ross, no longer allowed to broadcast his radio show live because the BBC are terrified that one of his inappropriate comments will slip through the net and upset someone in Tunbridge Wells. The latest upset was caused by a comment that parents should put their (male) children up for adoption if they asked for a Hannah Montana MP3 player.

So much controversy and so little time. It’s funny to think that it’s not so long ago that gays were happy to settle for insults and negative portrayals, since visibility was better than nothing. But in a few short years we’ve reached a point where mainstream society has embraced the gay cultural vernacular to such a degree that people feel perfectly comfortable criticizing it, as if from the inside. ’Homophobia’ is an easy accusation to make, but it’s almost impossible to prove. So I’ll just cross my fingers and tell myself that I believe in fairies…