Tuesday, 31 August 2010
Why else would she be caught out, not once, not twice, but three times in a single summer for alleged drug possession?
The first time could reasonably be written off as a case of over-zealous police spotting an easy target. The second time the mud starts to stick. But the third arrest means that she's probably carrying more drugs than a dodgy pharmacist.
On Saturday morning, everyone's favourite social-blight and her boyfriend were snagged by Las Vegas police at a traffic stop, when officers claimed that they could smell “the strong odor of marijuana coming from [their] vehicle.”
Displaying near super-human levels of quick thinking, the trouble-making tart made a dash for the bathroom, citing embarrassment and a desperate need to pee. She also, quite rightly, added that she needed to apply her lip-gloss - because no-one wants cracked, dry lips when they're giving the mugshot camera their best duck-face.
At this point the canny cops noticed that there appeared to be a 'bindle' of cocaine in Paris' purse, especially when the clueless car-wreck tipped it straight into the officer's outstretched hand. Come on, don't act like you've never inadvertently dropped a wrap of class-A into a policeman's palm.
Before you could say 'TTYN', Paris was arrested and charged with felony cocaine possession. This time, however, it doesn't look as though the charges will be dropped as quickly as when Paris was fingered at the World Cup. No, not like that - get your mind out of the gutter.
Given that Paris seems to live her life as though she's appearing in an early season of Beverly Hills 90210, her first excuse was that she didn't know the cocaine was in the purse. She could account for the bundle of cash, the credit card and a broken Albuterol tablet, but stressed that she'd never seen the coke before.
That story didn't seem to fly, so Paris decided to cry victim and allege that she'd been set up by some unscrupulous party-goer, telling friends "It could be a setup. Everyone knows how against cocaine I am."
But the best alibi to emerge from this whole preposterous palaver, is the one offered by a 'source' who spoke to The Sun. They told the tabloid "This purse in question was a high street brand - and by no means up to her high fashion standards. Paris is hoping authorities will see sense and let her off the hook." Now there's a rock solid defence if ever there was one.
At least now we're one step closer to understanding the logic behind the long-running reality show 'Paris Hilton's My New BFF' - which depicts her tireless search for new best friends. With such a prolific drug habit, it seems that she's always going to need a host of sacrificial lambs to take the fall, whenever she gets grabbed with a gram in her Gucci.
Monday, 30 August 2010
Sunday, 29 August 2010
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Friday, 27 August 2010
Not that any of this will have come as a revelation to anyone who happened to see the show - every fifteen minutes a group of builders would break out into a carefully choreographed dance routine, unbeknownst to the main characters.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Monday, 23 August 2010
The problem is, Jennifer wasn't flunking her classes, she was insisting that she knew better. She was objecting to the fact that the counselor education program in which she'd enrolled was expecting her to give moral support and encouragement to gay service users.
As a committed Christian, Jennifer believes that homosexuality "is morally wrong" and would work to help clients "change that behavior." Unsurprisingly, the university took exception to her judgmental position, arguing that it affected her ability to offer emotional guidance, and recommended that she attended a 'remediation program' that would "address issues of multicultural competence and develop understanding and empathy." The evil bastards.
But Jennifer's not as stupid as she looks (which, admittedly, would be pretty tough) so she did what any beleaguered bigot would do - she called in the big guns to generate some publicity and defend her honour. The Alliance Defence Fund, a Christian legal defense organisation, saw their chance to create another Carrie Prejean - a media-friendly, pretty blonde poster-child for Church-going America to rally behind.
They were quick to mobilise their forces, with Keeton batting her heavily-lined eyes at the press and claiming religious persectution: "The school counseling faculty has decided that my views are not acceptable for me or to share with other students. They have required a remediation plan in which the end result would be me altering my beliefs or being dismissed from the program."
Thankfully, in a rare case of common sense trumping media spin, a federal court yesterday ruled that the university's stance was 'academically legitimate' - which is a fancy way of saying that a counsellor is supposed to nurture and assist, not sit in judgment.
U.S. District Judge Randal Hall found that the university was not punishing Keeton for her religious views, but was instead attempting to teach her how to counsel without imposing her own views on her clients. Imagine that - an education establishment attempting to educate.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Saturday, 21 August 2010
But don't worry if you still have to buy your mocha frapuccino in an unbranded polystyrene cup, because option two is even more commonplace. All you need is a few gays in your neighbourhood to get property values soaring.
For the last 15 years or so, homo-owners have been carefully gentrifying areas, one street at a time. Before you know it, that crack den next door will have repointed brick-work, cafe-style window shutters and charmingly coordinated window boxes. And there'll be a waiting list for available properties in the area.
Funnily enough, it seems that the gays' love of a tidy frontage isn't limited to property façades either. They can also be found cutting back their own personal undergrowth, like Edward Nail-Scissorhands.
Don't forget, it was gay men who introduced the world to the concept of manscaping, arguing that extensive thatching should be limited to rustic farmhouses in the Cotswolds. As a result, bodily depilation is becoming increasingly popular in the straight world.
Writing for Salon.com, Jed Lipinksi has investigated this new phenomenon, even going so far as to invest in a 'Manzilian'. As he immerses himself in hot wax and the world of the 'aesthetician' - he takes an anthropological approach to getting under the pink, inflamed skin of the topic.
If he wants to know about the appeal of hair removal, he didn't need to be quite so thorough. He could have just pointed out that you have to trim back the lawn if you want people to see the garden path. But that would have left him a few hundred words short.
In the process of writing his article, Jed discovered that straight men make some bizarre requests of their pubic topiary technicians. According to Jane Pham of the Ted D. Bare Salon in San Jose, "Men tend to want the oddest pubic hair shaping. One guy asked me for a blue whale design. Another wanted me to shave the words 'Campbell Soup' into his pubes, because his girlfriend liked Campbell Soup."
Thursday, 19 August 2010
Brands love a good celebrity spokesperson. Someone with a squeaky-clean reputation who'll happily smile and hold up their 'product of choice' every time they come within ten feet of a camera lens.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
It all started with upselling - the McDonald's "Want fries with that?" approach. But now every purchase comes with a mind-boggling range of questions. Making the simplest transaction is like taking an A-level.
Which helps to explain why a seemingly well-adjusted, highly educated woman went ballistic in an upper west side branch of the popular coffee chain. Having asked for a toasted multigrain bagel, Lynne Rosenthal became incensed at the idea of being forced to specify whether she wanted butter or cheese on it.
Defending her barista-rage to the New York Post, the 62 year-old English Professor claimed "I refused to say 'without butter or cheese.' When you go to Burger King, you don't have to list the six things you don't want. Linguistically, it's stupid, and I'm a stickler for correct English."
In the past, the irate intellectual has enjoyed irritating Starbucks staff by refusing to select 'tall' or 'venti' - instead opting for the decidedly non-canon 'small' or 'large'. But yesterday she met her match in an equally tetchy server who told her "You're not going to get anything unless you say butter or cheese!"
Apparently, the argument escalated until the police were called and Rosenthal was ejected from the premises, without her bagel. "It was very humiliating to be thrown out, and all I did was ask for a bagel. If you don't use their language, they refuse to serve you."
Monday, 16 August 2010
Reflecting on this difficult time in a new Playboy interview, Paul has spoken out about what might have happened had the case gone to trial. "We had... an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her nondominant hand. I'm right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn't have been me."
Sunday, 15 August 2010
And yet, for the last 75 years, Donald Faulteroy Duck, has been wandering the grounds of Disneyland (and WaltDisneyWorld, fact fans) without a thought for local indecency laws. He even poses for pictures with children, as half-naked as the day he was drawn.
Friday, 13 August 2010
Thursday, 12 August 2010
Poor old Paris Hilton. She seems to attract trouble like Tara Reid attracts half-empty tequila bottles. The poor girl can't go anywhere without the paparazzi performing a smear test with a telephoto lens, or someone trying to arrest her for drug possession.
But despite the regular police interventions and invasive photography, Paris is a hard-worker, dedicated to keeping up the night-job. Those newly-opened nightclubs won't attend themselves - our girl needs to be out and about, showing her face and living it large...
Since this is world where fame is measured in terms of column inches generated, rather than any kind of tangible output, Paris is seen as the holy grail (an empty vessel with little physical value - how apt) for celebrity endorsements.
So brands are constantly sticking things in her mouth, pinning them on her clothes or attaching them to her head in the hope that she'll raise the profile of their products. At least that's how it's supposed to work.
The hard-partying celebutante is in yet another legal tangle, this time with Hairtech International, who are suing our plastic princess. Paris' crime? She went out in the wrong hair. Oh stop sniffing - we've all done it.
Hairtech is looking to claim $35 million in damages, "for fraud and deceit, unjust enrichment and breach of contract" because Paris was spotted partying wearing someone else's lustrous blonde hair extensions back in 2008. Seriously, this is the world we live in.
Not only was Paris signed to an exclusive contract with Hairtech for all her artificial hairpiece needs (for $3.5 million, no less), the company had built an entire campaign around 'spot Paris Hilton'.
In retrospect, that might have been a rather silly decision, since her ubiquity on the party circuit would make it pretty hard not to spot her. Maybe Lord Lucan wasn't on the market for any hair extensions.
Hairtech is also pissed that Paris neglected to attend a commercial shoot, and the Dream Catcher launch party. Although, to be fair, she was in jail at the time. I know the US legal system tends to be pretty lenient on its celebrity inmates, but even they draw the line at day release to attend a party.
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
In Ohio, the New Beginnings Ministry is particularly incensed by the existence of the Foxhole Club, a local strip joint. Led by Pastor Bill Dunfee, members of the church regularly congregate outside to protest the slack morals (and everything else) of the clubs employees and patrons.